Everyone needs a person

One of my favorite shows is Grey’s Anatomy. And one of my favorite relationships on the show isn’t Callie and Hahn-no, it’s seriously not. My favorite relationship on the show is Grey and Yang. Why? Those two have the most enduring relationship of anyone on the show.  And they don’t even sleep together.

They share their secrets, their fears, their problems, their triumphs and happy times. They are each other’s person.

What does it mean-this notion of being someone’s person?

It means that everyone needs someone that they trust completely.  Everyone needs someone that they can tell anything to, that they can be totally completely their most authentic self. Everyone needs someone who they know will love and respect and not judge them no matter what.

It is so hard to find someone like that. We wear so many masks every day that preclude us from finding our person. We share pieces of ourselves with others but we rarely trust, even our friends, enough to completely let our hair down enough and let all our foolishness hang all out.

I had a conversation with a friend about the guy with which she is having an affair. I asked her why she continues to do it, even when she knows that it is a completely bad decision. Her answer was that she couldn’t stop herself because he was her person. He was the one person who knew her completely.  He was the one person that she connected with on all levels.

I was so happy for her, that she found this person and has them in her life. (Even though she was in tears because she wants to break it off).  And I must admit that I was more than a little bit jealous.  Not because of her specific relationship, but because of the deepness of the connection between them.

My relationship with the gf is still new and since our relationship is mostly conducted via telephone we haven’t had much of a chance to forge that connection.  And still I swear we share a brain. Countless times we damn near say the same thing to each other at the same time. We crave the same food at the same time. I’ll text message her and get one from her at the same time. Last week we had a conversation where we realize that most days of the week, we share a brain. And I told her – I wish I had my own brain, but since I have to share one, I’m glad to share one with her.  She laughed and dared me to write about it in a blog. To which I replied…. Already writing it down.

I know that these are fairly superficial examples, but they still make me smile. I’ve never been as open and honest and authentic (with myself or anyone else) as I am with her.  And I’m constantly pushing myself to shed my masks and stop filtering my words and let all my foolishness hang out. And I remind myself to trust her to love and respect and not judge me.  Ultimately, I know that it is up to me to let her in. And I want to let her in.

Why? Because I think she could be my person. And I don’t want to miss out on that.

 

I require a lot of attention

It’s funny how we realize things about ourselves.  Or we come to terms with things that others have been trying to tell us for a while….

In college I had a friend who laughed at me, uncontrollably when I said that I would rather be be behind the scene than front and center on stage. She asserted that the Monica she knew was always front and center. And I knew the stage fright that I feel in front of too many people.

We were both right, in large groups I would much rather fade (just a little) into the background.

But in small groups, and especially with my people. I NEED to be front and center.

My MPA friends call my Princess, and I have a professor that only calls me Queen. NO LIE.

Hello, my name is Monica and I need to be the center of attention. I need an entourage. I want people to know and like me.

A few minutes of my day is spend obsessing over my blog readership and the numbers of people who are following me on twitter, the number of friends I have on Facebook, my connections on Linkedin, my number of page views on Myspace and who’s chatting with me on a daily.

A larger part of my day is spent thinking about my social engagements. Where am I going, with whom, what else is going on, should I go, blah, blah blah.

I am guilty of setting up get-togethers just so I don’t have to be alone.

It is sad, but true.

I was once in a relationship with someone who loved football.  This man lived, breathed, slept, and lived football. I guess it is normal for someone to have an obsession this way.

It was very seldom in our relationship that I felt that football came before me. The guy made sure that I knew how much he loved me on a daily basis, so during those rare times that he had to game to watch, play or coach in a football game,  and I had to take a back seat–I was (usually)  very content to take a chill pill.  He had to work, ya know?

But I remember times where I had to take a deep breath and get myself together because I was jealous of the time that he spent on his work. And I loved his job! But, I was still jealous that I wasn’t included, jealous that something else was more important, and mad that all eyes weren’t on me.

I know it’s an irrational jealousy, and I know it makes me sound like a crazy lunatic, but I need to be paid attention to dammit!

Being an attention-whore can be dangerous because there are times when I’ve sought  the wrong kind of attention, or from the wrong kinds of people or I’ve gotten myself into trouble by tipping and dipping when I should have been sitting at home waiting for my significant other to come home and bask in the glory that is …me.

In relationships, it is important to know what your weaknesses are. It is important to know what sets you off, what makes you crazy (or just green, in my case) or what will make you choke someone and wake up the next day confused about why your partner is dead.

I know that I need to be with someone who pays enough attention to me.  I’m not like a cat that can be left alone all day, I’m like a puppy that will sh*t in your favorite shoes and pee on your pillow if left to my own d*mn devices.

I need to know that while I may not be number one ALL the time, I am number one enough of the time.  Number two is just not high enough.

It makes me super uncomfortable to think of myself as anything other than number one. I mean, I’m pretty much the best thing since sliced bread and spreadable peanut butter and jelly. What/who could possibly be cooler than moi? Why wouldn’t everyone want to spend every moment of their lives in my presence?

No seriously, why wouldn’t they?

Just as I  understand that there isn’t enough of me to go around to everyone, I also know that there are limits in relationships. Time apart is good (we gotta have separate friends, outside hobbies, occupations, computer time etc).  But I should more than cross your mind when we are apart and I should matter enough that you are supremely happy to see me when we get back together. See me, hold me, love me.

In long term relationship, there shouldn’t be many things that trump the love and time spend between partners. No events or activities should matter more than your partner.  Other than the lives of your blood family members, I can’t think of anything that should matter more.

I guess the lesson here is that some people (like me) require oodles of attention, time, affection and we need to be with people who are willing and able to give us what we need.

And in all of us, there is that thing that we need from our partners. Make sure that your partner knows.

It will make your lives together so much better.

My name is Monica, and I am an attention-whore. Hello, everyone.

 

Conversations that make me yell and roll my eyes

A super cool older (but very sexxy) lady that I know recently started dating again. She’s been “dating” this one guy for a few months now (maybe longer) and she has a lot of questions about what is good, bad, and appropriate behavior. And she asks me for advice. Which tickles the sh*t out of me.

She, like a lot of women, is scratching her head trying to decipher male behavior. And the more I yell at her to stop, the worse she gets.

Conversation one:

Her: I was talking to some mutual friends of ours and they were saying how cute his son is. They asked me how I liked his son. And I had to tell them I haven’t met him.

Me: Do you want to meet his son?

Her: Not really, I just want him to want me to meet his son. I don’t actually need to meet him.

Me: So you don’t want to meet the kid? You were just feeling some kind of way for being excluded?

Her: Yeah. And why doesn’t he want me to meet the kid?

Me: You should ask him.

Her: You’re not helpful.

Conversation two:

Her: Do you think he likes me? He does a, b, and c  things that make me think he likes me, but then he does x and y which makes me think he doesn’t.

Me: Well there is no template that says he has to do any of those things. Do you like him?

Her: I mean we are great friends, we talk on the phone a lot, and we see each other often.

Me: So you like him?

Her: I don’t know. I want to know if he likes me.

Me: Then you should ask him.

Her: Or you should just tell me.

Me: I don’t know! I’m not him!

Her: You are not helpful.

Conversation three:

Her: I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him, but I didn’t want to talk to him so I left a message on his house phone, even though I could have reached him on the work or cell phones.

Me: Why would you do that? You could have just had a short conversation, and gotten off the phone. Both of you were at work. Who are you trying to fool with that mess?

Her: That’s what he said. He said that I send mixed messages.

Me: You do. You are insane.

Her: Well I don’t want to get hurt.

Me: I know, but if you like this guy you have to be real. You can’t be playing games.

Her: I don’t want to talk to you about this anymore. You always take his side.

Conversation four:

Her: I don’t understand. He came to (this event where he wasn’t expected) and he was so nice, but when I wanted to introduce him to the family, he was a little standoffish. But then he came over and hung out with all the family (@ another event) and stayed all day.

Me: Yeah, he acted like he really belonged. Everyone seems to like him.

Her: What does that mean?

Me: I don’t know. He seemed really comfortable, even when people asked him what his intention what with you. And said other things to embarrass him.

Her: I know. What does it mean? Why did he hang out all day?

Me: I don’t know, what don’t you ask him.

Her: Humph. You could just tell me.

Me: I am not your man! Ask him why the hell he stayed at your house all day talking to your family, and *ish. I don’t know why.

Conversation Five:

Her: We aren’t dating. We’re just friends.

Me: Sure you are.

Her: What do you mean?

Me: I think you two have been dating. You may as well call him your freaking boyfriend.

Her: What is dating?

Me: Do you talk most days a week?

Her: Yes

Me: Do you all go out/hang out together/ever in each other’s presence for social reasons?

Her: Yes

Me: You are dating.

Her: But how do I know that for sure? I’m too old for this!

Me: Ask him or shut up.

Conversation Six

Her: I wonder if he is seeing other people?

Me: Have you talked to him about that?

Her: No. Why should I?

Me: Because you want to know.  I mean, it makes since that you are concerned about the status of the relationship.

Her: But we are just friends. I don’t care if he sees other people.

Me: I don’t believe you. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have said anything about it and we wouldn’t talk about this man 4 times a week.

Her: Well. I’m not mentioning it to him. I’m married to Jesus.

I could go on like this for days, but I think you get the point.

Lessons 1: Communication is key in relationships. I understand that wanting to talk friends/family about problems/issues in a relationship, but dang it. Sometimes your friends and family don’t have the answers, and you gotta just go to the source.

Gotta question? Ask the person you are relating with. Don’t understand something? Ask them to clarify. Confused? They probably are as well. Having a feeling? Tell them about it.

Lesson 2: There are no f*cking rules to dating. Relationships are what you make of them. And since most of us had HORRIBLE relationship role models in our parents, we are all on our own, anyway.

Lesson 3: Dating doesn’t get any easier as we get older! Men and women never learn how to talk to each other (and gay folks, you know we all have our own special issues). Hurt feelings is ageless and sexless. Old daters are still worried about hurting each other and getting hurt. So be straightforward and upfront about your wants and needs, and expect to get them met. If your “other” can’t/won’t meet those needs, then walk.

Lesson 4: You can call it whatever you want. Dating is dating. If it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, smells like a duck, then it is an f*cking duck and no amount of denial can change that. Get over yourself.

Ok, now I’m done. And I have a headache from all the screaming and eye rolling. Going to bed.

 

Dating Sucks. Here’s a funny story

Earlier this week, I got a text message from a friend asking me to come over and help her get dressed for a date.  We’re adults, you say. Why did she need my help, you ask?

This wasn’t just a date. This was THE date. This was the first date since she left her asshole, cheating, going to hell in a hand basket, bastard of a boyfriend.

 (Can you tell how much I hate him.  Full disclosure: I hated him from the moment I laid eyes on him 7+ years ago and I told her so. I am a great judge of character, btw.  ) But I digress. 

Back to the story.

She’s out of practice, a little unsure of herself, and in need of someone to take charge of the preliminaries. Like the super, awesome, best friend that I am (patting self on the back) I went over to her bachelorette pad to oversee the process (I am an MPA). 

It was my job to pick out the outfit, the jewelry, etc.  Most importantly, it was my job to dispense with the wise sage advice, tell her how awesome she is, tell her that there are no f-ing rules for dating; and she should have sex if she wants to, provide general moral support, and be the mother hen.

(That’s my role, its what I do.) And I rock at it!

This proves that I can do anything. (employers, take note).

I am not a dating expert. In fact, I know next to nothing about dating. I have been on exactly one date in my entire life. (or maybe two if I’m feeling generous).

I’m going to tell you about my one and only date.

This is some funny *ish. (At least in my mind, anyway)

While in college I worked at a fine dining restaurant. (Thanks, R, for getting me the job) It was an awesome restaurant, and a really good place to meet all kinds of wealthly and/or business people. (my favorite kind of people).

As a hostess, it was my job to be beautiful, flirt, and make sure that when people sat down to eat, they did it with a smile, even if they had to wait 2 hours for a table. I was an excellent hostess.  Customers loved me, I could make even the most stuck in the mud grin.

Anywho, one night we weren’t very busy and this rather random guy starts up a conversation with me at the hostess stand (where were my fellow hosti to bail me out?!?!?!) Somehow the conversation turns to seafood- and at the time, I had never eaten lobster (give me a break- I was 19, from the country, and the extent of my seafood education was fried fish, shrimp cocktail, and jambalaya).

Anyway, this guy is going on and on about how he wants to introduce me to lobster. And I am totally game. He was pretty cute, could hold a conversation, and seemed just a little dangerous. So I give him my number.   

We plan to go on date.  The day of, I was really nervous. I had never been on a date before. Don’t get me wrong, I had gone out, a lot. But all my previous boyfriends had been guys that I knew from school, and there was always a courting period where dates consisted of the guys coming to my mama’s house and sitting and chatting. (I heart my over-protective mother)

So dating those guys didn’t count. They weren’t new. There was no pressure.

But going out with this guy was different. I didn’t know him. There was tremendous pressure to be pretty, to be a conversationalist, to not appear to be a country bumpkin. So I was, understandably, nervous.

A friend, bless her heart, made sure that I looked appropriately sexy, not slutty, made sure that I looked like an adult- not a teenager, calmed my nerves, and sent me on my way.

Guess where this man, this special man who wanted to introduce me to lobster, took me for our date?

Red F*cking Lobster. I kid you not! I giggled (in my head) when he told me.

This man had the total inability to let a woman (any woman) walk by without trying to make eye contact.  I don’t remember any of the dinner conversation probably because I wasn’t listening. I was having an inner-monologue about how the hell was I going to get out of this date.

But I haven’t even gotten to the good part yet.

He asked me to pay for half. The f*cker. And because my mother, just before this date told me to be prepared to pay, God, love that woman, I had the cash to contribute.

Then we leave Red Lobster, and go to my restaurant. He also wants to teach me how to smoke a cigar, and my restaurant has a cigar lounge.  So we go, and the night gets better, mainly because my people are all there and I have an audience while I (unsuccessful) smoked a cigar and drank scotch. (Remember that I’m nineteen, right, all my co-workers conveniently forgot this fact.)

Afterwards, we go to Barnes and Noble (the most randomest date ever, I know) for coffee. He, so gentlemanly now, pays for my latte. And we have a discussion about American vs. European cars. Speed, turning radiuses, handling, etc. (more stimulating that one may think, I love cars.)

I want to beg off at this point, but he wants to see my dorm room. (hee, hee) I sneak him in, and let him know up front that my room is a mess. I was getting over a cold, and the tissues that I would use in my bed would find themselves all over the room, where they stayed. I was too busy to clean them up, and I lived alone, so I didn’t care.

He took one look at my room, asked for a broom and a vacuum, and preceded to clean my entire room.  He made the beds, swept under the beds, threw out my dirty tissues and other trash, organized my books and papers, vacuumed and washed my dirty dishes.  

I told him he was awesome, gave him a hug, told him I was sleepy and sent him on his way.

I found out the next day that he didn’t pay for the scotch at my restaurant, and I had to pay for it. The f*cker.

The funniest part? That actually wasn’t the last time I saw this guy. And all the stories are as mind-boggling as this one. Why did I continue to see him?

He was entertainment. And I was bored.

Hope you’re laughing. Happy Friday!

 

Thoughts on relationships; one year in

This weekend, my girl and I celebrated our first anniversary. Apparently anniversaries are days that should be celebrated (something new that I have learned this year), and over the course of the weekend, together we took some time to reflect on the past year and see where we have come from, where we are, and to assess if it has all been worth it.

My therapist told me that it takes 4 seasons to get to know a person well enough to make a judgment on them; otherwise you are working with incomplete information. So, I’ve made it through the create-your own-adventure-drama that has been this past year and I’m still alive and well enough to talk about it

Over the course of the last year I’ve learned some important lessons.

1. Relationships are work.

If your relationship is easy, then something is wrong. I’ve been in a relationship in the past that was easy, in hindsight I can see that it was easy because I ran the show and did whatever I wanted. The other person mostly just did what I requested and gave me a looooot of space, lol.

This year hasn’t been easy. It’s been work and it’s been hard at times. I wrote journal entries that documented all the ways that we would break up. I made lists of all the things that annoyed, upset me, or pissed me off. There were times when I had to sit down and really think about whether all the tears were worth it.

Every time I made a pros/cons list, wrote out a break up scene or in some other way reassessed my commitment to this relationship I decided that if it was easy, I didn’t want it. Anything worth preserving is worth fighting for. And I believed that my relationship was worth fighting for.

2. Relationships don’t follow a pre-made script.

Over dinner last night, my girl made a comment about how she came into this relationship thinking that a relationship consisted of certain things, and when she felt that our relationship did not follow those rules, we were doing something wrong.

Not so. There is no book, no class, no seminar that can serve as a cure-all or as a guide to being good in a relationship. Relationships are mostly trial and error, you learn from your mistakes and the arguments, not from always getting everything right (because you probably aren’t getting it right, the other person is probably mad or they are a doormat).

In order to have a healthy relationship both parties must be willing to write the script together, no one else is in your relationship. That’s why it’s a “create your own adventure drama”

3. Keep your baggage at home.

We have all been hurt before. People have done stuff to us that have made us distrustful, apprehensive, deceitful, shy, unfaithful, untruthful, paranoid, guarded, and have caused us to hide parts of ourselves. (i’m as guilty as the next person). Not to mention our parents who more than likely are divorced and didn’t model good relationship ettiquette for us.

3 words. GET OVER IT!!!!! Its not your partner’s fault someone else treated you badly, its not your partner’s fault that your father was a cheating, lying bastard, it’s not your partner’s that you have low self-esteem because someone made you feel that you were less than them, it’s not your partner’s fault that your mother had a revolving door of men in the house. It is not their fault, so stop blaming them. At least give them the benefit of the doubt, don’t judge them until they f*ck up. Let them be innocent until proven guilty. Don’t charge them with the offenses of others. They weren’t there; they didn’t have anything to do with it.

4. Treat people how they want to be treated, not how you want to be treated

This has been a hard lesson for me. You cannot trust your partner to read your mind. She is not a mind reader. If you need something, say so. And of the same token, just because you like something a certain way, like, you need to be called 8 times a day, or you like to hold hands, or to be kept totally informed of what your partner is thinking or you don’t care about anniversaries (ahem!!) doesn’t mean that your partner feels the same way. You have to be aware of that and don’t assume that just becasue you do or don’t like something that your partner can be happy with the same thing because you are probably wrong.

So when they tell you what they like (and if they don’t tell you, ask them), be sure to give them what they want.

5. You are an individual in a relationship

No one completes you. If you need to be completed, get out of your relationship and work on completing yourself.

Your partner should complement you, like how an accessory makes an outfit look better (you don’t need that broach/necklace/belt to wear that suit, but you like how the suit looks with the broach/necklace/belt on.)

Life on Earth will not end if you and your partner aren’t together. You should be able to stand alone and do your own thing. Maintain your individuality, pursue your own goals and activities.

6. Don’t take stuff personally

I learned this from a book and from Doc Barnes. As much as I try to deny it, the world does not revolve around me (or you for that matter). Just because your partner is in a bad mood or is sad or angry or said something rude to you, doesn’t make it your problem. It doesn’t mean that you did something wrong or that you need to fix them.

Take a deep breath; say your partner’s (insert emotion) is not about you. It is your job to be available for support, but your partner has to fight their own psycho demons the same way you have to fight yours. You are not to blame for your partners (or anyone else’s issues).

7. Communicate with your partner

Communication is so important. It is possible to live with a person everyday and not know anything about them. As humans, we have to tell our stories. If I want you to know about me, I have to tell you, and you have to listen. I also have to trust that you aren’t going to use what I tell you to hurt me or that you aren’t going to judge me or not respect me based on what I say.

So, in this equation good communication equals talking (writing, signing, etc) plus active listening (asking clarifying questions and other feedback) plus mutual trust/respect.

8. Know each other’s Myers-Briggs tags and astrological signs and birth order

I know this may sound a little funny but this stuff is for real. Not a day goes by that I don’t act like a Sag girl and my partner doesn’t act like a Ram girl. I’m flighty and rambling and she’s headstrong and stubborn.

There aren’t many times that she doesn’t act like a true introvert and I don’t act like a almost extrovert. For example, I’ll fire off a series of questions at her and when she doesn’t respond I get frustrated (she’d thinking, geesh) or she’ll ask me a question and I’ll answer with a question (I’m thinking out loud).

I’m often thinking “what’s going on in your head?” and she often thinks “what’s your point?”

She’s an only child that isn’t really used to sharing and I am the oldest child of four and I had to share everything.

We are different people who think, act and respond to life differently. Knowing these about each other makes it so much easier to understand where the other is coming from. And as two intellectuals we often remind each other of why we act the way we do.

9. Know when to fold ‘em

It is also important to know when a relationship has run its course. A really wise person said to me once, I’ve learned all I’m gonna learn from my current partner, we’ve grown all we can together and it is time to move on.

Break ups don’t have to be angry or sad. Sometimes, it just means that you and your partner don’t complement each other the way you once did. Sometimes that belt just doesn’t look right with that suit anymore.

10. Be your partner’s friend

This one was one of the first hard lessons for me. I had to learn to treat my partner the way I treat my friends. I don’t judge the actions of my friends, I let them be who they are and I celebrate who they are.

So why did I feel that every way that my partner was different from me was an assault on who I was? I was getting in the way of just being there for her. I had to get over that, and fortunately I did. Nothing changes when your friend becomes your partner. You both are the same people that you were before you got together.

Don’t let you get in the way of them. Remember that you are not the center of their world and that everything isn’t about you. Let them be themselves with no judgment from the peanut gallery. You should like them for who they are and not in spite of who they are.

The bottom line is relationships should be worth all the trouble. If they aren’t, then you’d be better off alone, and you should be ok being alone (because you are complete all by yourself, and your happiness comes from within, your happiness comes from within, your happiness comes from within…. get it?)

So, Happy Anniversary TP! This year was tough, but I’m glad I got to spend it with you. xoxoxo