The difference between excitement and fear

I learned something new about myself as I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, as blog ideas, paper ideas, half finished conversations, life questions and my to-do list swirled through my head.

Some people have muscle tension when their stressed. Some people go blind. Some people get irritable. Some people lose their libido. And some people eat or cry.

I get insomnia. And headaches. And I eat crapily.

As I started thinking about the times that I have had insomnia (and the other symptoms) in the past, I began to see a pattern.

I had insomnia for the entirety of hell year. I would go to bed around 9:30 pm. Lie awake looking at the ceiling, worrying about the bad ass kids I was supposed to teach. Finally, doze off about 3 or 4 am, and wake up at 5:30 to go to work.

At work I would go hide in the teacher’s lounge and cat nap in the bathroom (on the floor) or I would fall asleep during small reading group when the kids would read to me.

After work, I would spend 2 hours at the gym, go home, have dinner, have a couple of glasses of wine, take a sleeping pill (or three) and go to bed.  Then I would start the cycle all over again.

**shudder**

Four years ago, I started a new job, that I loved and for most of my employment there I took children’s Benadryl at night to help me fall asleep.

When I was studying for the GRE and LSAT 2 years ago, all the benadryl in the world couldn’t help me sleep the whole night through.

Every time I go visit the GF in Atlanta, the first night there is always spend restlessly calming down after the 6 hour drive.

You see, Stressd Moni = No Sleep

So a few weeks ago, the headaches started.  I thought it was the holidays. Or the constant NC-GA traveling. Or the crazy weather we were having . Or the GF.

Then I found myself staying awake until 2 am or later.  I thought it was because I was sleeping with the TV on (*cough*, gf’s fault) or because I was working on my capstone, or I was writing or tweeting or because of one thing or another.

But lately, things have gotten worse.   Even when I try to go to sleep “early”, at let’s say 1 am, I still find myself restless and screaming into my pillow.  I usually doze off at about 4 am.

Then morning comes and I drag my aching head out of the bed and into the kitchen, where I find that all I have to eat is canned soup, oatmeal, chocolate cake and popcorn (just slight exaggeration) because I haven’t been to the grocery in weeks.  So I eat chocolate cake (sans milk) for breakfast/lunch and get to work.

And I sit in front of the computer all day.  I’m working on my capstone, which this week means I’m data mining email addresses from downtown development authority websites.   Very tedious and mindless.

So mindless, that hours pass before I realize that all I’ve had to eat all day is chocolate cake. So I go back into the kitchen, get discouraged and eat some popcorn.

And go back to work.

Pathetic, sure. Stressful? Not really.

So what is my problem?

Then I remember my pattern. Not eating well, Not sleeping well, constant headaches.  Hhhmmmm. Sounds like stress.

But Monica, you’re still on vacation, the semester hasn’t even started, and your capstone is coming along. What do you have to be stressed about?

At some point, I’ve learned to live at a high anxiety level.  So, even when things are good, I CREATE stress. Or the perception of stress.  And if there is a little stress, I make it BIGGER. And if there is big stress, then oh boy!

I’m crazy. *sigh*

So, when I realized today that maybe the insomnia and heaviness that I’ve been feeling is stress related and not emotional or hormonal or a symptom of the coming full moon, I started evaluating my life and my stressors.

Know what I found?

Not stress. Not worry. Not really fear.

I found EXCITEMENT.

I am so CRUNK about this semester. My class schedule is amazing!

I have so many IDEAS. A new blog, short story characters, capstone stuff and business ideas have all taken up residence in my brain.

I will be starting a new employment opportunity soon.

I’ve set up lessons with a swim coach!

I bought a book that will help me create healthy meal plans!

I graduate in MAY and will be moving SOMEWHERE fabulous.

I’m finding direction in my life and I’m happy with where it’s going.

Even the things that scare me sh*tless like my classes or my capstone are contributing to the feeling of accomplishment and excitement and you-can do-it ness that I’m feeling.

I’m beginning to believe that stress doesn’t have to be bad. Stress (and it’s alter ego, excitement) can give us energy, and get our adrenaline pumping.

I’m glad I have been able to see that I’m excited (which is good), rather than worried or scared (which would be bad.)  I can use this excitement to get me through the next 6 months and make sure I get all my sh*t done on time.

I should probably stay up until 4 and get everything OUT of my head since I’m going to be awake anyway.

And when my body is ready to calm down, it will.

 

Justifications by an MPA overachiever

“Don’t you think you could be a successful student and get a job after graduation if you take 14 or better yet, 12 credits this semester?” she asked.

I struggled for, like, the 5th time in the past few weeks to explain to someone why I lied to myself again.

You see, I told myself in October, November, and December of last year (2008) that if I could just make it to the end of the semester, I would not do this thing, this thing that I am about to do, again.

You see, I’m about to take 16 credits.

And while I would have no problem eating crow and dropping a class if I get too overwhelmed or if one of them sucked, but based on the class titles, the descriptions, and the professors, I NEED to be in ALL these classes.  They complete my theme.

I get that 16 credits is a lot for graduate school, but if I could do it last semester, then I can do again this semester. Dammit!

But when I tried to explain the concept of my theme to my therapist today, she was making some hellafied faces at me.  Similar to the faces of all the other people over the past month who have heard about the marathon of classes that I’m taking this Spring.

My classmates, mostly, are barely taking enough classes to be full time and stare at me wide-eyed when I explain to them my hustle plan. And my faculty advisor, bless his heart, is so focused on getting my capstone (master’s thesis) completed that he may have a conniption fit if he finds out my class schedule. My girlfriend, if I complain one ioda, may push me down a flight of stairs and scream after me, “I TOLD YOU SOOOOOO!” Not because she’s evil, but because she has spend considerable breath telling me to drop something, anything, so that I don’t find myself burnt out and super stressed in April.

My mother, on the other hand, thinks I’m a genius and is so very proud. Her only concern is what we are doing for graduation. Are we having a dinner, throwing a party, sending out invitations?  For her, graduating isn’t an option. Passing my classes isn’t an option. She just assumes (rightly so) that everything that needs to get done will get done. And frankly, she doesn’t give two sh!ts how they get done. All she knows is, her oldest daughter is graduating with a Master’s degree on Mother’s Day and is going to be fabulously successful. And while I know that she really doesn’t understand the work that will go into accomplishing that goal, I love the fact that she just assumes it’s going to happen. She even wants to come to school to hear me defend my paper. (she’s so sweet).

But for everyone who isn’t my mother-those of ya’ll who are now thinking, “Why the hell does Monica HAVE to take 16 credits and what the hell is this theme she speaks of?”

Here is your answer.

I’m taking 16 credits because I am in school to learn and I believe that I have a duty to take advance of this time that I am taking for graduate school.  Why pay the tuition, and take the time off (when I could be working) to come to graduate school if I’m just going to pussyfoot around and half-ass it?

I’m taking 16 credits because I genuinely want to learn, and everything that I’m enrolled in sounds so COOL. And I would never forgive myself if I don’t soak up as much as I can from the professors that I am taking. One of my professors is one of the coolest men I know. He’s funny, brilliant, and he’s f-ing famous.

I ‘m taking 16 credits because at some point in the future, I’m going to go on interviews (or at least have to explain to someone what I’ve learned in graduate school), and having a wide breath of knowledge and some topics that I’ve dug a little deeper into sounds like a reasonable idea.

And that leads me to the idea of a theme.  A theme is a set of inter-related classes that paint a broader picture of a theory or policy or an application.

See, Fall 2008 also had a theme. The theme of last semester was Housing and Community Development.

Housing Policy was my favorite class. I learned how to develop affordable housing, I learned about new ideas and trends in affordable housing. I learned so much about the housing crisis and I am kicking myself right now for not posting more about it over the semester. I learned the policy (and economic) implications for developing affordable housing.  I also learned what the hell “affordable” means. I also learned that there are people who are poor enough that affordable housing isn’t affordable.

The class made me sad, it made me mad, some days it made me want to throw things.  But at the end of the day, it reminded me how much I love houses, homes and communities. It reignited my passion for housing. And gave me some tools that will help me to work in that area.

One other class that worked with my theme was Urban Revitalization.  While Housing Policy looked at mostly federal regulations, UR was all about neighborhoods.  Getting down to where people live, literally. UR made me think about housing and real estate as a neighborhood issue. To be successful as a housing advocate or developer, I have to have a workable relationship with the neighborhoods where I work. This class was the flip side of Housing Policy, and I’m glad I took them both together.

While these classes make up the bulk of my theme, I took the research from these two classes to write papers for other classes.  Basically I wrote 1 paper, and adapted it for the requirements of other classes. I think I used it 3 or 4 times.

This allowed me to dig deeper into a topic area, Inclusionary Zoning.  Basically, inclusionary zoning is a mechanism that local governments can use to create and sustain affordable housing.  And you, dear readers, are reading the words of an inclusionary zoning expert.  *** popping my collar****    I can talk about IZ from a legal point (constitutional and case law) from an economic point and a social policy point. I even worked on a project for a local organization that hopefully will spurn inclusionary zoning policies in my local community.

This spring semester, my theme is Real Estate Development and Social Entrepreneurship. AND my classes compliment my capstone and will provide the background for my dissertation. (Ya’ll knew I wanted to be Dr. Monica one day, right?)

My classes include New Urbanism and Sustainable Development, Real Estate Funding, Capital Budgeting, Policy Implications of the Creative Class, Intro to Social Entrepreneurship and some other stuff that they are making me take. See the theme?  NOW do you see why I have to leave my schedule intact?

I want to use these classes, especially New Urbanism class, and the Creative Class Policy class to build on my capstone research (which I realize that I haven’t really explained at all on this blog, maybe I’ll get to it next time) and set up my dissertation research. And the other classes, Budgeting, Real Estate Funding and Social Entrepreneurship, along with one class from the Fall, Non-Profit Law, will help me start my real estate development business.

Anyway, the point here is that there is a method to my madness. While I may want to die come April, when this is all over, I will have accomplished something significant.  I will have a body of work on topics that I care about and (hopefully) publishable articles, I will be clear candidate for the types of employment I want and I will already have the groundwork for my dissertation all set up for when that time comes. And oh yeah, I’ll be able to tell folks what I’ve been doing for the past 2 years.

So yeah, I may be crazy, but 16 credits and 5 months of super hard work doesn’t seem like that much when I think of where it will put me in the long run. And to answer my therapist’s question, no, it wouldn’t be the same with 12 credits. It would destroy my theme, and furthermore, what would I drop?!?!?!?

So I’m preparing to hunker down, and get it done. I’ll see you at the finish line.

 

Graduate School does not equal learning

This semester has been hell.  No, let me rephrase that. This semester has not been hell. I’ve already been to hell, which is why I’ve been able to survive this semester.  This semester has been more like that Greek myth where that guy has to roll the huge rock up the hill everyday only to have to rock back down.

Don’t get me wrong. I love graduate school, and I have learned a lot.

But I could have learned a lot more if I A) Didn’t have to go to class or B) Didn’t have to write papers.

Having to do both has been the biggest issue for me this semester; other than the fact that I overloaded classes and worked two jobs.

But we aren’t talking about that now. We are talking about making the decision between going to class or staying home and writing a paper.

There are so many cool classes and SO much to learn that I want to take EVERYTHING. (*said in my very whiny pouting voice while I stomp my foot)

And that is the problem with grad school. You can’t do everything. You have to pick and choose, and I don’t like to choose. I like to try a little of everything.

And even if you manage to take a reasonable amount of credits, it would still be easy to find yourself overwhelmed.

For the past few weeks, I have been extremely busy. But I try to maintain some normalcy, so I go to class and I listen with one ear. Why? Because I have too much st*t to do, so I listen and take notes for one class while I read articles and take notes for the assorted exams, papers and presentations that I’ve had to give.

Otherwise, I hole up in the library and work on all my papers.

I’ve been a little pissed. How the hell am I supposed to learn anything under all this unnecessary stress?  Or if I can’t come to class because I’m working on a paper?

I pick my classes with a theme in mind so that I will graduate with a portfolio that shows depth and breath, and writing papers and doing projects, of course, make up that portfolio. But I totally love the discussion and idea generation that happens in the classroom and it pains me to miss class. But sometimes I don’t have a choice. I can’t do everything.

I bet some folks are thinking, well you should have started working on your projects earlier in the semester. And normally, I would agree.  But this time, I haven’t really been procrastinating.  I’ve been working on this stuff like a mad woman (hence the metaphor of rolling the rock up the hill). The work has been unending. And most of it isn’t even useful.

Graduate Schools: Do a better job of marrying practice with theory.  Usually I like reading and analyzing theoretical models, but when students enter the real world, we have to actually know how to do stuff.  Assignments should be useful and relevant to what’s happening in the world. Get local companies to submit projects for student to work on, or let the local and national news inform student assignments rather than a static syllabus.

But in the meantime what’s a girl to do?

Apparently, when the papers and exams come due, I hunker down and get it done. Even if I am pouting.

Furthermore, I’ve taken pains to make sure that when I graduate, I will be able to clearly articulate to governments and businesses what the hell I’ve doing for the 2 years that I’ve been in graduate school.

Theory is good, but in the real world, substance is king.

Current and potential graduate students, make graduate school count. And I mean more than just the number of research papers written and regression lines modeled; HR managers don’t care about that. They want to make sure that you can actually DO stuff. So make sure that you can do stuff. Real stuff.

 

My most intellectual thoughts reflect my personal childhood desires

I’ve been looking for my passion.  I’ve been looking for it for a long time.  I, like a lot of 20-somethings around me have been spending our young adulthood trying to figure out what the hell we are supposed to do, or figuring out how to get from a place of “I know what I want to do” to a place of “I’m doing what I’m supposed to do”.

 I’m still in the “Hell if I know, but I’m working on it” category.  But I think a lot about it. 

Tuesday mornings are the time that I work on my Master’s Thesis, and right now I’m reading for my literature review.  Today I picked up Richard Florida’s Cities and the Creative Class.  (In my thesis, I have to prove that cities are important- and that the best cities are the cool cities. I KNOW, viscerally, that this is true. I just have to prove that the eggheads agree with me)

 In the introduction of the book, Florida talks about his background, his childhood, his experiences, and how they shaped his future research and the catalog of books he’s written. He talked about how visiting his father’s factory job influenced him to be interested in technological advancement and how the closing of that plant caused him to be interested in economic growth.

 I had only read a few pages at that point but I had to stop and think.  What, if anything, in my childhood, has shaped my interests, research, and just maybe, my passions?

 I’ve been thinking about this, in one way or another, since this summer.  My friend, L , and I would spend hours at work talking about MPA classes and what each of us has learned at school, our work styles (she’s into details, and I’m into the big picture) , and how these things could be merged into a career somehow. The conversations would, invariably, return to the things that we enjoyed as a child and wouldn’t it be cool if we could do that for a living?

 Our conclusion surprised the both of us, and I would often leave the conversation trying to figure out how the hell we’ve ended up where we are. Neither of us are your average government bureaucrats.

She’s an interior designer at heart- and truly, the girl designed everything. She is the posterchild for form meeting function. She’s so good at it. 

As for me, I’ve recently rediscoved writing. Apparently, I have been writing for as long as I remember. My sister, while she was cleaning my old room this summer, found chapters of a book I started to write in middle school. She found stacks of poems and journals. The little bi-atch read my old diaries-with my mother, no less.  Then they called to laugh at me, and read me passages. (gotta love my family)

Additionally, or maybe most importantly,  I have been OBSESSED with houses and neighborhoods and architecture for forever.  

 For a while, I too wanted to be an interior designer. But I knew that every house would reeflect my style and not the style of the client. (I knew that was bad)  I want every house to feel like home (my home, lol).  

I remember, during church, I would find myself drawing log cabins (how many windows should be on the front?) and designing streets (I hate cul de sacs), neighborhoods (lots of people should live together) and whole cities (I love skylines) . But they were just silly doodles, right? They didn’t mean anything, right?

 Silly, silly me. 

My experiences

We moved around a lot as a kid, and some of the places we lived were great for a young girl obsessed with living spaces.  Once we lived in Raleigh for a few months, and we have a 3 story townhouse. It was beautiful.  It has winding staircases, cathedral ceilings, a finished basement with arcade games, a huge patio, bedrooms for everyone, and lots of stuff that I can’t remember, but that I loved.

 And once we lived in Georgia, and we had an awesome neighborhood.  There were always lots of people outside, kids everywhere, and everyone was so friendly.  I still remember what our phone number was.  I was 3-4 and my mother made me memorize it. 

For the majority of my childhood, I lived in a not-so great house, with no neighbors (other than family) and no neighborhood to speak of.  I remember wanting, so badly to live somewhere nicer. I wanted to live somewhere not covered in dirt or kudzu. I mean, we lived in the COUNTRY. And I wanted out. I wanted to love someplace shiny, clean.  I wanted to live near the bright lights.

 I thought I wanted to live in the city, dammit.

 (As an aside, I lived in the city this summer.  If Atlanta is representative of American’s cities, I don’t want to live there either. )

 In high school, my favorite class was Civics.  I spend most of the year in class watching the Democratic primary (featuring a charming southern governor) and learning the purpose and functions of government. Government seemed like the perfect place for someone who wanted to make stuff happen. (someone like, ahem, me)

 My senior year, I fell into my first local government job. A friend of mine had the job, she was going to college, and she recommended that the agency hire me to take her place.  Since then, minus hell year that I spend in 1^st grade, I have always worked in local government.

 In college, I lived in Winston Salem. Part of the draw for Winston was that I thought it was a bigger, brighter city than Chapel Hill.  I was pissed off and confused because they lured me in with their skyline (it still makes me smile) and then I got downtown and it was not the mecca that I expected.  Instead it alternated between being a complete ghost town and a place most likely to get a. shot b. drugged c. raped d. hit on by a transvestite.

 Now, in any new place I visit, I always want to see the neighborhoods. Where do people actually live? Where do they play?  I’m inexplicably drawn to the lights of downtown. For years,  I have explored where and how other people live. I want to see the housing styles and the feel of the neighborhood. I am a huge fan of the Parade of Homes.

So, does ANY of this have to do me with finding my passion?

 Just a little bit.

 Housing. Neighborhoods. Cities. Writing. These are the things that I care about. These are the things that I have always cared about- even when I didn’t realize it.

 Here I sit, in graduate school, thinking that I should study budgeting, finance, planning and land use.  But instead, I am still obsessed with housing, neighborhoods, and cities.

 My personal dramas and experiences have definitively shaped my most priced intellectual thoughts. I can’t tell you how proud I am of the writing I’ve done this semester, regardless of  how rushed or stressed I felt while doing it. The classes that I am taking this and next semester make me so happy.  They are the reason that I came to graduate school.

 I am finally in a position to bring to fruition all the things that I wanted as a child/teen/young adult but didn’t quite know how/what to do.

 Yes, I want to take over the world. Yes, I want to be a Queen, Ruler of the Universe. And yes, I think about how accomplish these things, daily. (no, seriously, I do)

 Most importantly, however,  I really want to make the world a better place for all of us to live, work, and play.

 

Using positivity to work through emotional upheaval

I’ve been on a positivity kick for a while. So far, I feel really good about it. I’m aware of my feelings, I channel my feelings into energy to help me be more productive.  I make sure that I feel good more than I feel bad, tired, stressed or hungry.

Now probably isn’t the best time in my life to be concerned with positivity.  I mean,  I’ve been hella stressed out; sleeping but not sleeping for 9-10 hours and still not waking up feeling refreshed, reading documents and writing papers in my dreams (no seriously, its true).  But in spite of all of the above, I am really enjoying myself on this journey called life. Life is grand. Mostly.

Maybe this is the best time to worry about being postive and giving the Universe some good vibes to work with. I really need to keep it positive.  Especially today.

 You see, today I read an article that pretty much makes my master’s thesis obsolete. Or at least redundant. This discovery made me feel like crap, while validating that my research idea was a good one.  I mean,  the article was from the Brookings Institute. 

Regardless, I’m feeling really blue, even though my professors still think my capstone is a great idea. One professor today was telling how great my idea was, and how I could definitely get published.  And all while she was talking, I couldn’t even muster up an authentic smile. Negative feeling #1.

Then I was on-line, and I came across some stuff that normally wouldn’t have bothered me at all (or maybe just a little bit) and it made me feel angry, left out and disapointed. Negative feeling #2

Then I came to the library at school to write a paper that is due tomorrow, but the bad energy from the negative feelings that I have been having are weighing down on me so heavily that I can’t concentrate.  I just want to go away for awhile.  I need someone to make me laugh.  I need a really, really belly aching laugh.

Instead, I text the gf to tell her how I’m feeling (I’m supposed to share those kinds of things) and she tells me that I should build on the research that exist and just move it forward.  And she’s right.  I can do that, I probably will do that, but it puts a crimp it what I wanted to do.  She knows I’m upset, and I’m just gong to wallow and get more upset, so she tells me to let it rest for right now.

Unfortunately, I can’t go away, and I can’t depend on someone to make me laugh, and I can’t let it rest.  I have too much to do. And I’m working with a very short time-frame.   I have to re-work my thesis.  I have to write this paper for Economics.

I have to shake myself out of this funk that I’m in. Good air in, bad air out. Keep trying to smile.

 

Sadly, I am not Superwoman

Some of you may have already known that I’m not Superwoman, but really it was news to me.

I was sitting in class yesterday, and the professor was trying very hard to have a class discussion about local economic development theory, but basically he was vomiting words at us, and I’d bet money that most of us were thinking about the series of assignments that he gave us at the beginning of class and not about how to revitalize communities.

The assignments were:

Assignment 1– A neighborhood assessment, including a neighborhood walk-through and census data analysis.

Assignment 2– A 5-6 pager on our Community Development Philosophy-complete with references to the multitude of articles that I haven’t read yet.

Assignment 3—Research something meaningful for a local non-profit. I’m working with Downtown Durham Inc to check out the feasibility of inclusionary zoning. (loads of fun, actually)

As the professor told us his expectations for these various projects, I had a startling thought.

Something has got to go. I can’t do everything. Unless something goes (and quickly) something important (like my health or sanity) is going to slip and I’m going to seriously f*ck-up my life.

This is a major shift in how I think. I generally believe that everything will fall into place; I just have to keep up. Yesterday I realized that there are a limited number of hours in a day, and a limited number of days in a week, and that this semester is FLYING BY and I am slowly getting behind. And my advisors aren’t shy about telling me that I’ve got 2 weeks to write my thesis proposal. YIKES!!!

But most importantly, at some point over the past six months, I’ve gotten fat and my head always hurts and my allergies are giving me hell. And this is bad, bad, bad.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know at the beginning of the semester that I was going to have to be in class, write papers read articles, work on projects; it was just that all of a sudden it the end of September and everything is due. Right now. It wasn’t that I didn’t notice that my eating habits suck, that I exercise once or twice a week, and that I don’t sleep really well. I notice everything. I just kept pushing EVERYTHING to the back burner and tried to believe that everything would be ok.

I’ve let my life get away from me. I don’t feel like I’m in control. And that is a no no.

In the eternally relevant words of my dear friend, L:

I have to get my life together.

-I am dropping a class. Sadly, it has to be Planning for Jobs. I like this class, it is intellectually stimulating, but it takes up a significant part of my week, it really it isn’t what I expected and I don’t want to work with labor markets or unions, so the ROI is very small.

- I have the freaking schedule exercise time. 5 days a week. I have pudge in places where I have never had pudge. And since I am creeping towards 30 (very, very slowly, mind you) I have to curb the pudginess NOW. I mean, my fall clothes are a wee bit tight. And that is very, very bad.

-I’m going on the Go Lean Breakfast, Popcorn snack, and Lean Cuisine Lunch diet. I gotta get right for the job market. No one wants to hire a fat girl. (Or I just don’t want to be the fat girl that they have to hire because I’m brilliant, but they don’t want to because she’s fat)

-I have to get on a schedule pronto, and freaking stick to it. Maybe I can talk to Holly about teaching me how to schedule. I have a master’s paper to write so that I can graduate, along with all the other papers/presentation that I have to write/do. I work 20 hours a week. I have a life, friends, and a blog for goodness sakes. I gotta fit it all in.

-I have to take my allergy meds (EVERYDAY!!!). I feel like sh*t otherwise, (like today).

 

I’m overwhelmed, does it show?

 You may or may not know that I have been away for the past few days on a Chamber of Commerce trip to Ann Arbor. Today was the first and only day that I’ll be in class this week.

I didn’t blog while I was away (I was too busy talking to folks and generally getting into trouble).

For the next few days, I’ll be decompressing and analyzing my experience and hopefully, I’ll find the time to share all the really cool stuff that I got to see and do. I’m also planning to cross-post on OrangePolitics, so that folks in Orange County that didn’t get to go on the trip get to hear my perspective on the Ann Arbor Inter-City Visit.

On a slightly different note, I am feeling a little overwhelmed with my life. The Ann Arbor trip took 3 complete days out of my life. Those were days that I missed class, and didn’t do any reading or research. Those three days left me completely tired and wanting to go to bed immediately. Those were three days that I half-checked my email and I am still not finished getting back to folks. (If you emailed me between Friday and today, I may not have gotten to you yet)

Bottom line, I’m in grad school, I work two jobs, and I blog 2-4 times a week. I have a lot going on, and I’m not willing to let anything go. Everything that I am currently involved in are things that are really important to me, and it’s worth my sanity to stay involved. I think I almost prefer it this way.

Maybe being slightly overwhelmed is going to be the standard for my life. Maybe this is one of the drawbacks of having varied interests. I do a little bit of everything, and I’m the only one who can see the pattern of how it all fits together.

When I think of all the things I have to do, I have to remember to take deep breaths and keep it together. I have to believe that everything is going to be ok. Otherwise, I may start crying and never stop. And I can’t do that since this coming weekend I’m going to a conference in Richmond where I will be blogging and networking and finding a job. (*sign. Why do I keep signing up for these things? I love it, that’s why.)

Two conferences two weeks in a row will leave me even more behind. And even more stressed. And even more crazy. I have research to do and papers to write and presentations to give! But I go to these conferences and I participate through blogging because it is important to me.

In Richmond, I’m going to pass out my resume, and someone is going to offer me my dream job. It is going to happen. The Universe and I have been talking again.

Happy Hump Day!

 

 

Goal Setting Fall 2008

I’ve been reading The Secret (very, very slowly) and my girl at WorkLifeLove wrote a super post about accountability that motivated me to think about some goals that I want to accomplish.

A funny thing about being in school is that I think about things in terms of semesters. SO, I’m setting my Fall 08 goals. I’m sure I’ll have different ones for Spring 09 that I’ll have to talk about later.

Professional Goals

-Network like a fiend- I want to move away, to Denver, and everyone that I meet for the next few months will know it. I hate moving to new places without already having friends/colleagues/a job in the new location. So I am on a mission to meet and talk to as many people as I can set up my network; share my goals, see what happens.

-Work on my writing- I really want to publish (academically) so this semester I want to concentrate on academic research, improving my writing, sticking my samples in the faces of everyone I meet.

I am also constantly tweaking my subjects to that I’m writing about subjects that are relevant to practitioners, because I prefer to be published in a government magazine that administrators actually subscribe to and read, than an academic journal that no one has heard of. I bet I could get into a PhD program with published magazine articles.

-Find a job by December- I wrote about this yesterday, and I and the Universe had a few conversations about it but she (the Universe) is a forgetful lady so I’m going to continue to remind her about it a lot.

Health Goals

-Get on Mirena- I’m sick to death of my ovaries.

-Exercise everyday- Luckily I can take classes for free at Student Recreation. If I take a group fitness class (my favorite way to exercise) every day that I’m on campus, and walk/run at a local track on the days that I’m not on campus, I think I’ll get my cardio in. Also, I want to take at least one Pilates, Yoga, and Strength training class a week, to boost my metabolism, harden my bones, and all that good stuff.

-Learn to Swim- this probably won’t happen this Fall, but it will happen. I just have to find someone that I trust not to let me drown.

-Start seeing Doc Barnes- I missed my therapist this summer. I have to get back on my monthly schedule.

Money Goals

-Save money- However, I don’t want to arbitrarily save money. I love to travel, and I have a list of places I want to visit in the next few months, so I need to have the funds available to move and shake like I want to.

Personal Goals

-Be authentically me- I think I’m still figuring out what this means, but I’m working on it. Basically, there are some folks who really see me as I am and love me regardless, I should probably just join them.

-Stop caring about what others think- I live in fear of offending people. However, I’m beginning to revert to my natural state of saying what the hell ever I want. Doctor Suess said it best:

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

-Dream big- I will not limit myself. I can do whatever I want. Because my mom and Jesus said I can, and I trust them.

-Follow-through- I have the horrible habit of not following through. I have to remember to and make a habit of keeping up with my contacts, responding to emails, calling people back, etc. Otherwise, I’ll be that chick that could have been great. And that would suck.

That’s all for now, folks. Updates to follow.

 

Second Day of the Second Year-MPA School

This week I am officially a 2^nd year MPA student and I have already made one important decision:

I AM GOING TO HAVE A FABULOUS JOB BY DECEMBER.

I made that decision a couple of weeks ago because I do not want to go gray (and I would) with worry if it’s February, April or God forbid, June(!!!!) and I’m still job-less. I want to have someone waiting on me. The Monday after I graduate on Mother’s Day 2009, I will finish packing my sh*t and will be shortly, getting the hell out of dodge. I gotta keep it moving.

Secondly, I have decided that I am not going to overwork myself this year. I am taking an overload of credits (16.5) and a crazy person would be thinking that each class would require its own separate term paper. Not so, sez your girl I haven’t even been to all my classes yet and I already think I have finagled some overlap. Not only with class term papers…. I’ve just about got all these d*mn term papers wrapped into my Master’s Thesis (capstone) which I am planning to have completely finished by January. I will be writing one paper and adding and deleting sections depending on which class it is for and what I am choosing to focus on.

Next semester, I will be taking fun electives like Family Policy, Social Entrepreneurship, Sustainable Enterprises, and this really cool class about the Creative Class and only one serious class (if I have anything to do with it) Capital Budgeting. And I’m just going to be chilling because I’M GOING TO HAVE A SUPER AWESOME JOB ALREADY LINED UP.

I am really excited about my classes so far. Today I had Economics, Housing Policy and Urban Revitalization. I was more engaged in class today (bouncing in my seat) than I was for the majority of my first year. These are the classes that I came back to school to take. These are the classes that will give me the skillset to be taken seriously as a twenty-something decision maker. At my fabu job that I mentioned earlier, I will be running sh*t. Please believe.

There was a little hiccup up on Monday when during 2^nd year orientation, the program director overloaded me with all the stuff that I have to complete before I am eligible to graduate (and I didn’t have a calendar!!!!) and I thought I was going to throw up. But that potential panic attack has been averted. I bought a monthly/weekly calendar yesterday (and most of my school supplies) at my neighborhood Office Depot. And I’ve started writing in due dates, and I will add in reminder dates so that I can stay on track.

Now I just have to start working…..and that fun begins on Friday.