The difference between excitement and fear

I learned something new about myself as I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, as blog ideas, paper ideas, half finished conversations, life questions and my to-do list swirled through my head.

Some people have muscle tension when their stressed. Some people go blind. Some people get irritable. Some people lose their libido. And some people eat or cry.

I get insomnia. And headaches. And I eat crapily.

As I started thinking about the times that I have had insomnia (and the other symptoms) in the past, I began to see a pattern.

I had insomnia for the entirety of hell year. I would go to bed around 9:30 pm. Lie awake looking at the ceiling, worrying about the bad ass kids I was supposed to teach. Finally, doze off about 3 or 4 am, and wake up at 5:30 to go to work.

At work I would go hide in the teacher’s lounge and cat nap in the bathroom (on the floor) or I would fall asleep during small reading group when the kids would read to me.

After work, I would spend 2 hours at the gym, go home, have dinner, have a couple of glasses of wine, take a sleeping pill (or three) and go to bed.  Then I would start the cycle all over again.

**shudder**

Four years ago, I started a new job, that I loved and for most of my employment there I took children’s Benadryl at night to help me fall asleep.

When I was studying for the GRE and LSAT 2 years ago, all the benadryl in the world couldn’t help me sleep the whole night through.

Every time I go visit the GF in Atlanta, the first night there is always spend restlessly calming down after the 6 hour drive.

You see, Stressd Moni = No Sleep

So a few weeks ago, the headaches started.  I thought it was the holidays. Or the constant NC-GA traveling. Or the crazy weather we were having . Or the GF.

Then I found myself staying awake until 2 am or later.  I thought it was because I was sleeping with the TV on (*cough*, gf’s fault) or because I was working on my capstone, or I was writing or tweeting or because of one thing or another.

But lately, things have gotten worse.   Even when I try to go to sleep “early”, at let’s say 1 am, I still find myself restless and screaming into my pillow.  I usually doze off at about 4 am.

Then morning comes and I drag my aching head out of the bed and into the kitchen, where I find that all I have to eat is canned soup, oatmeal, chocolate cake and popcorn (just slight exaggeration) because I haven’t been to the grocery in weeks.  So I eat chocolate cake (sans milk) for breakfast/lunch and get to work.

And I sit in front of the computer all day.  I’m working on my capstone, which this week means I’m data mining email addresses from downtown development authority websites.   Very tedious and mindless.

So mindless, that hours pass before I realize that all I’ve had to eat all day is chocolate cake. So I go back into the kitchen, get discouraged and eat some popcorn.

And go back to work.

Pathetic, sure. Stressful? Not really.

So what is my problem?

Then I remember my pattern. Not eating well, Not sleeping well, constant headaches.  Hhhmmmm. Sounds like stress.

But Monica, you’re still on vacation, the semester hasn’t even started, and your capstone is coming along. What do you have to be stressed about?

At some point, I’ve learned to live at a high anxiety level.  So, even when things are good, I CREATE stress. Or the perception of stress.  And if there is a little stress, I make it BIGGER. And if there is big stress, then oh boy!

I’m crazy. *sigh*

So, when I realized today that maybe the insomnia and heaviness that I’ve been feeling is stress related and not emotional or hormonal or a symptom of the coming full moon, I started evaluating my life and my stressors.

Know what I found?

Not stress. Not worry. Not really fear.

I found EXCITEMENT.

I am so CRUNK about this semester. My class schedule is amazing!

I have so many IDEAS. A new blog, short story characters, capstone stuff and business ideas have all taken up residence in my brain.

I will be starting a new employment opportunity soon.

I’ve set up lessons with a swim coach!

I bought a book that will help me create healthy meal plans!

I graduate in MAY and will be moving SOMEWHERE fabulous.

I’m finding direction in my life and I’m happy with where it’s going.

Even the things that scare me sh*tless like my classes or my capstone are contributing to the feeling of accomplishment and excitement and you-can do-it ness that I’m feeling.

I’m beginning to believe that stress doesn’t have to be bad. Stress (and it’s alter ego, excitement) can give us energy, and get our adrenaline pumping.

I’m glad I have been able to see that I’m excited (which is good), rather than worried or scared (which would be bad.)  I can use this excitement to get me through the next 6 months and make sure I get all my sh*t done on time.

I should probably stay up until 4 and get everything OUT of my head since I’m going to be awake anyway.

And when my body is ready to calm down, it will.

 

2009 Predictions from NostraMonica

Check it: I looked into my crystal ball, and I saw that 2009 is going to be awesome (for all of us, but for me especially).

Last year, when I was myspace blogging, I made a big deal about the New Year and setting goals, not resolutions, and blah blah blah. Even this past fall, when the semester started, I took some time to set some goals. (Some of which I have done NOTHING about)

As I’m looking down the barrel to 2009, my brain starts ticking off stuff for the upcoming semester and the year. (Get a job, get my portfolio together, finish my thesis, prepare for a change, spend time with my friends and classmates, start my business, learn to swim, self-host this blog).

But my heart says, Oh, f*ck it. Can’t I just chill out and see what happens?

I’m not saying that goals suck and we shouldn’t make them (maybe I am???) What I mean is – If we really look deep within ourselves we know what the hell we need to do. Do we need to take the next step in our career? Step out on our own? Lose weight? Exercise? Eat healthily? Finally get our teeth cleaned?  Do we need to slow down? Spend more time with our loved ones? Concentrate on self-care? Get a life?

Whatever it is I (and you) need to do, WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!! Duh, it’s probably staring us in the face.

My problem, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, isn’t knowing WHAT I need to do. It’s the doing of it that trips me up.  I get scared or anxious or doubtful or LAZY and I cop out.

And that is unacceptable.

So I’m not going to make a never ending list of new goals or resolutions or whatever you want to call them.

I’m just going to make one.

Do the things I know in my heart I need to do.

No matter how scared I get or how crazy it seems or what other people think.  Some things I just KNOW I’m supposed to do.

So this year, I’m just going to f*cking do what my scattered little brain wants and I’m not going to over think it.

And as I write these words my brain says, but wait, you need to plan, you need to think, you NEED to worry…. and I feel the old self-doubt and anxiety pitter pattering through my chest.

SO I take a deep breath and acknowledge that this sh!t ain’t gonna be easy. But it is necessary. Didn’t Tupac say, “I don’t want it if it’s that easy”?

Otherwise, what would be the point? I believe that is would almost be stupid to add “Complete MPA school” or “Get a job” to my 2009 goals.

Why?

Because those things are not OPTIONAL. They are GOING to happen. It’s a wrap.

But I haven’t always followed my heart (or exercised, for that matter). So I’m going to concentrate to those things that I have let fall by the way side. (ahem, me!!!)

(Aside: I heard somewhere that it takes a month to form a habit. So if I resolve to do the things I know I should, by February I should be good. )

So yeah, the crystal ball said it was going to be a super awesome year.  Can’t you feel it!!!?!?!?!?

Hello! Obama is going to be inaugurated, and W is headed back to Texas. That alone is a major achievement.

And

Recessions are hotbeds for innovation, so even though the economy is sh!t we need this time renew ourselves (like when the forest burns down, then it regrows as a more diverse ecosystem)

And

We get another year to grow and live up to our full potential; proving that we can be better than our former selves.

Yay for us!

Happy New Year, party people!

Tell me what your 2009 goals/resolutions are AND what are you most looking forward to in the OH NINE.

 

Ba f*cking Humbug

Every since Eysqueen wrote about Santy Claus, or maybe it was just seeing the fat man EVERYWHERE, or maybe it was the lady behind me in a store telling her kids if they didn’t straighten up she was going to tell Santa to give their toys to kids who could behave. Or maybe it is just after December 13 and no one is talking about my birthday anymore.

Whatever the reason, my HATRED of Santa Clause has doubled tripled.This week I went to a X-Mas party, and the host had Black Santas everywhere. And I wanted to stomp their little fat faces in.

On other occasions this week, I have gotten a chance to play with a few of my very cute little cousins, who have been very excited about getting presents (and having new people to play with). And every so often one of the stupid adults would say something stupid about Santa Claus coming, and I would grit my teeth and hold my tongue.

Why?

Because all I wanted to say was: SANTA CLAUS DOES NOT EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it is ABSOLUTELY wrong to trick kids into believing in this FAKE person. I mean, boogyemen don’t exist, right? And there isn’t (and has never been, according to my mother) a goblin living under my bed, waiting to eat my toes and suck me under the bed, right?

Then why the F*CK to very educated parents persist in lying to their kids about a fat happy man that breaks into homes EVERY YEAR?

My mother never told my siblings and I that there was a Santa Claus.

And I thank her dearly for it.

WHY?

Because when we got Christmas presents, we understand the SACRIFICE and HARDWORK, on my mother’s part that went into making sure that we had presents at all. AND we were F*CKING grateful and hugged and kissed our mother to let her know that her good deeds did not go unnoticed.

Unlike these badass kids today who do not understand the meaning of thankfulness, giving and sharing.

All they know is MINE and GIMME.

The meaning of “Christmas” has completely been forgotten. So forgotten that I was forced to send out the following Christmas Day message

Merry Hanukkah, Happy Christmas, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice and other pagan and commercial gift-giving season.

I feel that I have to acknowledge the season, but I kind of hate Christmas and all it has come to represent. I would rather get presents during the year for being good, rather than having the pressure and the competition of getting (and giving) the right present for Christmas.

And while I LOVE my family, I would rather visit them individually at their homes, than trudging from house to house on Christmas Day forcing myself to smile and be f*cking merry.

I’d rather be a home in my sweats watching a movie (or a House marathon on USA).

Why do we continue to buy into the forced merriness of this time of the year? (while it is cold as BALLS, and we can’t even go from house to house without repeated layering up (to go outside) and stripping (once we get into the house)).

At the very least, can’t we move Christmas to August? And make it a mandatory beach vacation full of beautiful half-naked people and margaritas?

*sigh*

Anyone wanna co-sign that?

In the meantime, I, evil demon that I am, have been whispering under my breath all week, “I hate f*cking Santa.”  And it has been oh so hard not to randomly tap little kids on the shoulder and say, SANTA DOES NOT F*CKING EXIST!!!!

Would it be so bad to just gather all the munchkins together and say, Kids, your moms and dads work hard. They work and save (or borrow and steal) to make sure that you get that Big Wheel or Xbox or Barbie doll, so when they tell you to do your homework, or clean your room or eat your veggies, YOU better f*cking do it! There is no Santa, there is no naughty/nice list. There are just the parents that you drive crazy 364 days a year. Be NICE to your parents, and be NICE to your teachers. Behave yourselves in public, and stop being an embarrassment.

It’s the least the little rugrats can do to repay their lemming parents for keeping Toys R US in business, right?

Ok, I’m done.

I hope everyone had a nice semi-religious, pagan holiday season.

Love,

Your neighborhood Grinch

 

Monicaliciousness and other thoughts on 27

On December 13, 1981 a star was born.

That was real dramatic wasn’t it?  But it’s true. On that date, around 7 pm, according to my mama, a new (or fairly new) person entered this world.  I say fairly new because I’m not convinced that reincarnation isn’t real. I mean, how else to you explain deja vu or how some things (and some people) almost immediately feel like home? It’s because we’ve been here before and we’ve been sent back here to get things right this time (or just do a better job, at least).

What does it mean, to get things right? To me, it means fulfilling a purpose.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my purpose this week, partially because most days don’t go by without me thinking about what the hell I’m supposed to be doing. But it has been more heavily on my mind this week. And I’m blaming my mother for this too. (Most things are her fault, anyway, right?)

She says to me (on my birthday), “You are special. You have always been special. You have a calling on your life. I don’t know if you are supposed to preach (her wish for me) or if you are supposed to help people in some other way, but your life has a purpose, you have a mission.”

After I picked my damn mouth up off the floor, I stuttered my agreed. Yes, I said, I’m supposed to help people, and I went on to ask, “And since you are prophesying-why don’t you just tell me HOW I’m supposed to help people, I know the WHAT (sort of) but I’m stuck on the HOW.”

Of course, she didn’t have that answer. And yes, my mother is, like, crazy ya-ya spiritual. I just go with it; there is NO WAY to explain it. So when she starts telling me a dream that she had about me (that mirrored something that actually happened in my life) or when she says I’m “called” to do something, I take that sh*t seriously. She’s just that connected to whatever higher power is pulling the strings (or she’s crazy).

Either way, She’s right. I’m here on purpose. My birth was no accident. I have something to do that no one else could do. Now, if someone could just TELL MY WHAT MY PURPOSE IS!!!!!!!

Well, I’ve decided that 27 is a good enough age to figure that sh*t out. And it’s time for me to embrace whatever the hell I’m supposed to be.

I’m excited about being 27. Isn’t 27 the BEST age? It’s not like 24 where you are still too young, in most cases, to be taken seriously, or like 35 when you are too old to “drop it like it’s hot” or some other thing that 30+ people don’t do.

But at 27 I’m old enough to prove that I’ve been around the block and I know what the hell I’m talking about, but I’m still young enough to get a tattoo without having folks roll their eyes.

So I’m excited about 2009 and I’m looking forward to all that I will accomplish during my 27^th year!

I’m going to go ahead, letting the Universe know that I’m expecting this year to be moniceriffic (or monicalicious, or monicawesome (either will do).

 

Being Thankful is Sexy

My name is Monica and I am a complainer. I’m also a worrier. And a cynic. I have very little faith (in anything). And I can get really anxious (I think I get worked up with all the worrying.)

For almost a year now, I have been trying to counteract my tendencies and put a little good ju-ju into the atmosphere. Because if The Secret is right, then I’m attracting tons of negativity.  And that’s bad.

At least 3 nights a week I try to make a list of all the things I’m thankful for.

My thankful list is generally kind of random.  When my brother was in Iraq (twice!!) my thankful list consisted of 1. Being thankful that a member of the Army didn’t show up at our door with bad news. 2.  Being thankful that my brother would wake us up in the middle of the night with a phone call from the other side of the world.

Nowadays, I’m just thankful when I can find a parking place. Or that when I cut all my hair off I still look like a girl.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been adding another layer to my little ritual.  I’ve been asking for things that I need.  I’m not sure what I expect, but supposedly, when you put good stuff into the Universe, you get good stuff back.  We get not because we ask not, and all that jazz.

We’ll see.

So, I’m going to share with you, some things that I am thankful for.  And the gifts (or blessings, whatever) that I’m asking for.

1. I am thankful that my baby sister is enjoying school and life in Atlanta.
2. I’m thankful that my brother is still in the States, and not in the Middle East.
3. I’m thankful for my relationship with the gf.  It (she) has taught/helped me to rediscover some things about myself that I either denied, forgotten, or was unaware of.
4. I am thankful that my mother calls me almost everyday because she wants to know how I’m doing and she just wants to chat.
5. I am thankful that my friend, R, is finally taking care of herself and putting herself first in her own life.
6. I am thankful for friends.  Not too long ago, I felt really alone.  I don’t anymore.
7. I am thankful that I’m in grad school.  3 years ago I worried that no respectable program would have me.  But I’m in one of the top 6 programs in the country. Go figure!
8. I’m thankful for positive role models (especially relationship role models)
9. I’m thankful for the beauty, the rhyme, rhythm and the symmetry that I find in nature and in life every day.
10. I’m thankful for the passion that I feel inside myself.  It still surprises me sometimes.
11. I’m thankful for my super awesome job and totally cool boss, and my groovy co-workers who invite me to parties
12. I’m thankful for my classmate, aka, drinking buddies.  They rock my world.

And one to grow on: (I will not number it 13). I’m thankful for my little Toyota Corolla that gets 30 MPG and takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’

Now for the things that I ask for….

1. I ask for the strength to do all the things that life demands (waking up, speaking up, being present)
2. I ask for guidance to know where and on what I should focus my time
3. I ask for the courage to be the person I know I am.
4. I ask for confidence in myself-I need to trust my intuition
5. I ask for the right words at the right time
6. I ask for help getting through the next two hellacious weeks of school
7. I ask for my dream job
8. I ask for health and safety for my family and friends
9. I ask for the ability to not be constantly distracted by everything
10. I ask for focus
11. I ask that it doesn’t rain while I’m walking outside.
12. I ask that I don’t hit/get hit while in a car or walking on the street.

What are you thankful for?  What would you like a bit more of?

 

I’m overwhelmed, does it show?

 You may or may not know that I have been away for the past few days on a Chamber of Commerce trip to Ann Arbor. Today was the first and only day that I’ll be in class this week.

I didn’t blog while I was away (I was too busy talking to folks and generally getting into trouble).

For the next few days, I’ll be decompressing and analyzing my experience and hopefully, I’ll find the time to share all the really cool stuff that I got to see and do. I’m also planning to cross-post on OrangePolitics, so that folks in Orange County that didn’t get to go on the trip get to hear my perspective on the Ann Arbor Inter-City Visit.

On a slightly different note, I am feeling a little overwhelmed with my life. The Ann Arbor trip took 3 complete days out of my life. Those were days that I missed class, and didn’t do any reading or research. Those three days left me completely tired and wanting to go to bed immediately. Those were three days that I half-checked my email and I am still not finished getting back to folks. (If you emailed me between Friday and today, I may not have gotten to you yet)

Bottom line, I’m in grad school, I work two jobs, and I blog 2-4 times a week. I have a lot going on, and I’m not willing to let anything go. Everything that I am currently involved in are things that are really important to me, and it’s worth my sanity to stay involved. I think I almost prefer it this way.

Maybe being slightly overwhelmed is going to be the standard for my life. Maybe this is one of the drawbacks of having varied interests. I do a little bit of everything, and I’m the only one who can see the pattern of how it all fits together.

When I think of all the things I have to do, I have to remember to take deep breaths and keep it together. I have to believe that everything is going to be ok. Otherwise, I may start crying and never stop. And I can’t do that since this coming weekend I’m going to a conference in Richmond where I will be blogging and networking and finding a job. (*sign. Why do I keep signing up for these things? I love it, that’s why.)

Two conferences two weeks in a row will leave me even more behind. And even more stressed. And even more crazy. I have research to do and papers to write and presentations to give! But I go to these conferences and I participate through blogging because it is important to me.

In Richmond, I’m going to pass out my resume, and someone is going to offer me my dream job. It is going to happen. The Universe and I have been talking again.

Happy Hump Day!

 

 

10 RANDOM THOUGHTS OF THE DAY

1. Why does it hurts my heart a little bit to see something in print that I already knew intellectually but am still having problems with in reality?

2. I heart my new job already even though (or maybe because) I’m in waaaaay over my head and this is only day one!!!!!

3. I love conferences and hanging out with folks that I can learn from (and I get to do it twice in September)

4. I’m so glad it’s Friday, even though I really haven’t done sh*t all week.

5. I have a great network of colleagues (and a hell of a lot of institutional knowledge) in NC that I will be sad to leave next May

6. I think I am (finally) getting used to being back in NC, even though I still can’t bring myself to try to cook for one

7. I have a feeling that there will be heavy drinking this weekend

8. Apparently there are lots of promiscuous women in America, and I happen to NOT be one of them (did I miss out on anything?) For those of you raising your hand and objecting at this information, shut up, the f*cking numbers speak for themselves!!!

9. How lucky blessed am I to be living my life?  This is the f*cking dream!

10.  My boss is 26.  And his boss hugged me this morning.

 

What’s up with me and other interesting stuff

So the fall job search is complete (mostly). And the summer internship is almost over.

First on the calendar this fall is a 10 hour a week gig at the local Chamber of Commerce (I’ll have to tell you that hustle story later).  This job is going to be so cool because I’ll have the opportunity to network with business AND government leaders (rather than just elected officials), which will give me a bigger base of people to ask for jobs next Spring when I graduate.

AND I just found out that I got an Reseach Assistantship in the UNC MPA program, working for one of the professors. YAY, me! I think the RA-ship comes with student health insurance, which will come in handy since I have been buying my own Blue Cross Blue Shield for the past year, and THAT has not been fun (or cheap!).

Additionally, since I wasn’t sure the RA thing was going to happen (it didn’t happen last year)  I have been sending out resumes and cover letters to other local business and non-profit organizations that I feel would help me gain a new perspective (not public sector!)  I’m still going to follow up with those people, make some new friends/contacts and maybe get some consulting/writing action started. So that, hopefully, I’ll be able to make a little extra money if I can write RFPs or grants for a couple of agencies or get to contribute on a projects. And if all else fails, I can think of it as practice for marketing myself in a field that isn’t intuitively MPA territory.

On a different note, my up-coming place of business is planning a networking trip to Ann Arbor in September. As I love trips and networking, of course I want to go! But, it is an expensive outing and I’m not sure that it’s in my budget. But they are offering (and I have applied for) partial scholarships and the Chamber is starting this new thing that they are calling Community Leadership Council (or something like that) and they want me to apply for it.  Admission to this Council means that I will be involved with planning objectives for the trip and leading meetings on the trip and most importantly it includes the trip for FREE. It’s a win/f*cking win situation.

Also, I was reading a new blog today and came across this article

Sounds like they bought a guilty verdict. I mean, if I’m hungry and homeless (not saying that this guy is), I’m facing jail time, I can’t afford a good lawyer and I’m probably going to jail anyway regardless of my guilt or innocence……and the DA and the judges are willing to give me good food for the duration of my prison stay (that I wouldn’t be able to afford on the outside)?!?!?! I’ll take that sh*t in a heartbeat! Just like he did.

What do you think?

 

Money Matters More than I Want it to

I’m having problems with attachment or detachment or oh, screw it, I’m having money problems!

Of course, said money problems stem primarily from the fact that I have had to maintain two addresses this summer, as I am living in Atlanta (almost rent free, thanks, hon!) during my internship while also keeping my apartment in North Carolina. Also, I have a shopping habit. It’s not that I manically buy stuff. That would be easy to fix. It’s the accumulation of all the little stuff that I buy.

I’m talking shoes and clothes, which I usually can talk myself out of, but this summer I’ve bought a few pieces. I’m talking about books, because my poor ass is a compulsive book buyer. I’m talking about the drinks (‘nuff said) and the dinners out. Bottom line: my checking account hemorrhages cash, and leaves me with nothing to show for it (except my books).

I talk about saving… and I do save. One of the reasons that I have been able to live in Atlanta this summer is because I had (notice HAD) a little something set aside. I’ve dripped it just about dry.

But none of that is the point of this post. I really have been thinking about how materialistic I could be if I gave in and bought all the clothes, shoes, electronics and other goodies that I really, really want. (I mean, I have a friend that works at Neiman Marcus and sells prada bags.)

I know I don’t need any of that crap, and I try to make myself stop wanting it and that just makes me sad. Because in my mind, there is no reason why I shouldn’t have all the things that I want. And it makes me discouraged that I have to leave the shiny, pretty things in the store or on Amazon.com.

So I try to detach. I try to fool myself into thinking that I’m better than all the people with iphones and new high heels and $10 martinis and that I’m better off without it. I try to fool myself into thinking that my life is better and fuller without all the gadgets and gizmos. I mean, I live rather nomadically, and when you are a nomad less is better (and lighter). And I don’t want to be tied down with all this stuff, do I? Hmmmm.

See that is the conumdrum (also the name of my favorite white wine) How do I reconcile the part of me that really wants to drive a lexus, live in a high rise condo, and have a 20 inch iMac with the really simple me that knows that all of that is just stuff? I mean, there are days when my little Corolla is perfect and all I want to do is be a beach bum bartender that makes just enough to pay the rent and the cell phone and drinks fruity rum drinks on the beach all day.

And until I figure out how to solve this problem, I’ll watch my bank account dwindle.

Oh and by the way, if you have ever dated/loved/known a Sagittarius you know that this (personal money mismanagement) is a common problem and we really just can’t help ourselves. But I’m working on it.

[Correction: On further inspection of my summer spending habits; I have discovered that it is not Wal-mart, Target, Old Navy, Banana Republic or any mall boutique or bookstore that has taken all my money. It is f*cking Kroger (groceries) and Costco (gas). And a girl has to eat and get to work, so what's a frugal gal (wannabe) to do?]

 

Out of Sorts today- the quarterlife crisis continues

I had a phone call with a wonderful friend today. We talked about growing up and how much it sucks.

We talked about how we used to have these really grand, wonderful dreams and how we’ve gotten sucked into a semi-crap lives that are not at all like we envisioned.

We talked about how people can and will disappoint us and sometimes some things are just not meant to be.

We talked about how most of us (myself being first in this line) don’t really know ourselves and must rely on friends for a reality check. We talked about being afraid to really get to know ourselves because we might not like/recognize/be scared of the person that we are.

We talked about how we don’t always feel like the person looking back at us in the mirror. We talked about not knowing how we got this far from ourselves.

We talked about taking risks, and feeling out of control and slinking back into something more comfortable and safe. And about how this is so wrong and how we should stop this behavior. We don’t want to be normal, and we are afraid that we are.

We talked about vulnerability and about allowing ourselves to feel the spectrum of emotions and how, when you FINALLY let yourself feel anything and God forbid, analyze those feelings, it can be incredibly overwhelming.

We talked about being true to ourselves and how we only have to live up to our own expectations. We talked about how hard it is to be our authentic selves, especially when you are used to putting the needs of others before your own or you’ve lost yourself in a situation, or you’ve forgotten what’s important. And rejection is oh so hard to deal with, especially when that whole “feeling” thing is still a pretty new concept.

We talked about how I tried to spend some time last night meditating on what I want out of life and what I should do to get there, but instead I fell asleep and didn’t wake up with any revelations.

We talked about starting over and doing what the hell ever it is that we really want.

We are going to do it; step by step, little by little. And we are going to hold each other accountable . We are better than who we have become (I don’t think I just made that up, but damn if I don’t know where I got it from)

Raise your glasses! To jumping into the abyss and following our dreams….where ever they take us.