The difference between excitement and fear

I learned something new about myself as I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, as blog ideas, paper ideas, half finished conversations, life questions and my to-do list swirled through my head.

Some people have muscle tension when their stressed. Some people go blind. Some people get irritable. Some people lose their libido. And some people eat or cry.

I get insomnia. And headaches. And I eat crapily.

As I started thinking about the times that I have had insomnia (and the other symptoms) in the past, I began to see a pattern.

I had insomnia for the entirety of hell year. I would go to bed around 9:30 pm. Lie awake looking at the ceiling, worrying about the bad ass kids I was supposed to teach. Finally, doze off about 3 or 4 am, and wake up at 5:30 to go to work.

At work I would go hide in the teacher’s lounge and cat nap in the bathroom (on the floor) or I would fall asleep during small reading group when the kids would read to me.

After work, I would spend 2 hours at the gym, go home, have dinner, have a couple of glasses of wine, take a sleeping pill (or three) and go to bed.  Then I would start the cycle all over again.

**shudder**

Four years ago, I started a new job, that I loved and for most of my employment there I took children’s Benadryl at night to help me fall asleep.

When I was studying for the GRE and LSAT 2 years ago, all the benadryl in the world couldn’t help me sleep the whole night through.

Every time I go visit the GF in Atlanta, the first night there is always spend restlessly calming down after the 6 hour drive.

You see, Stressd Moni = No Sleep

So a few weeks ago, the headaches started.  I thought it was the holidays. Or the constant NC-GA traveling. Or the crazy weather we were having . Or the GF.

Then I found myself staying awake until 2 am or later.  I thought it was because I was sleeping with the TV on (*cough*, gf’s fault) or because I was working on my capstone, or I was writing or tweeting or because of one thing or another.

But lately, things have gotten worse.   Even when I try to go to sleep “early”, at let’s say 1 am, I still find myself restless and screaming into my pillow.  I usually doze off at about 4 am.

Then morning comes and I drag my aching head out of the bed and into the kitchen, where I find that all I have to eat is canned soup, oatmeal, chocolate cake and popcorn (just slight exaggeration) because I haven’t been to the grocery in weeks.  So I eat chocolate cake (sans milk) for breakfast/lunch and get to work.

And I sit in front of the computer all day.  I’m working on my capstone, which this week means I’m data mining email addresses from downtown development authority websites.   Very tedious and mindless.

So mindless, that hours pass before I realize that all I’ve had to eat all day is chocolate cake. So I go back into the kitchen, get discouraged and eat some popcorn.

And go back to work.

Pathetic, sure. Stressful? Not really.

So what is my problem?

Then I remember my pattern. Not eating well, Not sleeping well, constant headaches.  Hhhmmmm. Sounds like stress.

But Monica, you’re still on vacation, the semester hasn’t even started, and your capstone is coming along. What do you have to be stressed about?

At some point, I’ve learned to live at a high anxiety level.  So, even when things are good, I CREATE stress. Or the perception of stress.  And if there is a little stress, I make it BIGGER. And if there is big stress, then oh boy!

I’m crazy. *sigh*

So, when I realized today that maybe the insomnia and heaviness that I’ve been feeling is stress related and not emotional or hormonal or a symptom of the coming full moon, I started evaluating my life and my stressors.

Know what I found?

Not stress. Not worry. Not really fear.

I found EXCITEMENT.

I am so CRUNK about this semester. My class schedule is amazing!

I have so many IDEAS. A new blog, short story characters, capstone stuff and business ideas have all taken up residence in my brain.

I will be starting a new employment opportunity soon.

I’ve set up lessons with a swim coach!

I bought a book that will help me create healthy meal plans!

I graduate in MAY and will be moving SOMEWHERE fabulous.

I’m finding direction in my life and I’m happy with where it’s going.

Even the things that scare me sh*tless like my classes or my capstone are contributing to the feeling of accomplishment and excitement and you-can do-it ness that I’m feeling.

I’m beginning to believe that stress doesn’t have to be bad. Stress (and it’s alter ego, excitement) can give us energy, and get our adrenaline pumping.

I’m glad I have been able to see that I’m excited (which is good), rather than worried or scared (which would be bad.)  I can use this excitement to get me through the next 6 months and make sure I get all my sh*t done on time.

I should probably stay up until 4 and get everything OUT of my head since I’m going to be awake anyway.

And when my body is ready to calm down, it will.

 

2009 Predictions from NostraMonica

Check it: I looked into my crystal ball, and I saw that 2009 is going to be awesome (for all of us, but for me especially).

Last year, when I was myspace blogging, I made a big deal about the New Year and setting goals, not resolutions, and blah blah blah. Even this past fall, when the semester started, I took some time to set some goals. (Some of which I have done NOTHING about)

As I’m looking down the barrel to 2009, my brain starts ticking off stuff for the upcoming semester and the year. (Get a job, get my portfolio together, finish my thesis, prepare for a change, spend time with my friends and classmates, start my business, learn to swim, self-host this blog).

But my heart says, Oh, f*ck it. Can’t I just chill out and see what happens?

I’m not saying that goals suck and we shouldn’t make them (maybe I am???) What I mean is – If we really look deep within ourselves we know what the hell we need to do. Do we need to take the next step in our career? Step out on our own? Lose weight? Exercise? Eat healthily? Finally get our teeth cleaned?  Do we need to slow down? Spend more time with our loved ones? Concentrate on self-care? Get a life?

Whatever it is I (and you) need to do, WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!! Duh, it’s probably staring us in the face.

My problem, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, isn’t knowing WHAT I need to do. It’s the doing of it that trips me up.  I get scared or anxious or doubtful or LAZY and I cop out.

And that is unacceptable.

So I’m not going to make a never ending list of new goals or resolutions or whatever you want to call them.

I’m just going to make one.

Do the things I know in my heart I need to do.

No matter how scared I get or how crazy it seems or what other people think.  Some things I just KNOW I’m supposed to do.

So this year, I’m just going to f*cking do what my scattered little brain wants and I’m not going to over think it.

And as I write these words my brain says, but wait, you need to plan, you need to think, you NEED to worry…. and I feel the old self-doubt and anxiety pitter pattering through my chest.

SO I take a deep breath and acknowledge that this sh!t ain’t gonna be easy. But it is necessary. Didn’t Tupac say, “I don’t want it if it’s that easy”?

Otherwise, what would be the point? I believe that is would almost be stupid to add “Complete MPA school” or “Get a job” to my 2009 goals.

Why?

Because those things are not OPTIONAL. They are GOING to happen. It’s a wrap.

But I haven’t always followed my heart (or exercised, for that matter). So I’m going to concentrate to those things that I have let fall by the way side. (ahem, me!!!)

(Aside: I heard somewhere that it takes a month to form a habit. So if I resolve to do the things I know I should, by February I should be good. )

So yeah, the crystal ball said it was going to be a super awesome year.  Can’t you feel it!!!?!?!?!?

Hello! Obama is going to be inaugurated, and W is headed back to Texas. That alone is a major achievement.

And

Recessions are hotbeds for innovation, so even though the economy is sh!t we need this time renew ourselves (like when the forest burns down, then it regrows as a more diverse ecosystem)

And

We get another year to grow and live up to our full potential; proving that we can be better than our former selves.

Yay for us!

Happy New Year, party people!

Tell me what your 2009 goals/resolutions are AND what are you most looking forward to in the OH NINE.

 

Monicaliciousness and other thoughts on 27

On December 13, 1981 a star was born.

That was real dramatic wasn’t it?  But it’s true. On that date, around 7 pm, according to my mama, a new (or fairly new) person entered this world.  I say fairly new because I’m not convinced that reincarnation isn’t real. I mean, how else to you explain deja vu or how some things (and some people) almost immediately feel like home? It’s because we’ve been here before and we’ve been sent back here to get things right this time (or just do a better job, at least).

What does it mean, to get things right? To me, it means fulfilling a purpose.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my purpose this week, partially because most days don’t go by without me thinking about what the hell I’m supposed to be doing. But it has been more heavily on my mind this week. And I’m blaming my mother for this too. (Most things are her fault, anyway, right?)

She says to me (on my birthday), “You are special. You have always been special. You have a calling on your life. I don’t know if you are supposed to preach (her wish for me) or if you are supposed to help people in some other way, but your life has a purpose, you have a mission.”

After I picked my damn mouth up off the floor, I stuttered my agreed. Yes, I said, I’m supposed to help people, and I went on to ask, “And since you are prophesying-why don’t you just tell me HOW I’m supposed to help people, I know the WHAT (sort of) but I’m stuck on the HOW.”

Of course, she didn’t have that answer. And yes, my mother is, like, crazy ya-ya spiritual. I just go with it; there is NO WAY to explain it. So when she starts telling me a dream that she had about me (that mirrored something that actually happened in my life) or when she says I’m “called” to do something, I take that sh*t seriously. She’s just that connected to whatever higher power is pulling the strings (or she’s crazy).

Either way, She’s right. I’m here on purpose. My birth was no accident. I have something to do that no one else could do. Now, if someone could just TELL MY WHAT MY PURPOSE IS!!!!!!!

Well, I’ve decided that 27 is a good enough age to figure that sh*t out. And it’s time for me to embrace whatever the hell I’m supposed to be.

I’m excited about being 27. Isn’t 27 the BEST age? It’s not like 24 where you are still too young, in most cases, to be taken seriously, or like 35 when you are too old to “drop it like it’s hot” or some other thing that 30+ people don’t do.

But at 27 I’m old enough to prove that I’ve been around the block and I know what the hell I’m talking about, but I’m still young enough to get a tattoo without having folks roll their eyes.

So I’m excited about 2009 and I’m looking forward to all that I will accomplish during my 27^th year!

I’m going to go ahead, letting the Universe know that I’m expecting this year to be moniceriffic (or monicalicious, or monicawesome (either will do).

 

My Last Day. Eight Eight Oh Eight

I haven’t slept well for the past few nights.  And there is no reason why I shouldn’t be sleeping well.  I’m not under a huge amount of stress, overall life is good.

This morning the gf was so excited.  She gave me a huge hug, and tried to hype me up. “It’s your last day,” she says.  And I give her a sleepy smile and say I can’t get excited.  Because I can’t, not because I don’t want to be.

And she asks me if everything is ok and I spill the beans about not sleeping.  She smiles and says, “YOU ARE EXCITED!”

Apparently, excitement causes me to not sleep.  This is not funny or fun.

Today has been a really fun day, though.  My big boss took me out to lunch.  She bought me a present and everyone signed a card. Then we came back to the office and had birthday cake (it was the big boss’s birthday) All of it was lovely.  And I’m so sad.

At some point this summer, I came to really like the people that I work with, and at some point, I came to really LOVE this little city.

This afternoon L and I took a walk around downtown. After the huge lunch and the bosses birthday cake, we needed to get the blood pumping.  And it hit me.  I really love this girl.  She’s one of those people that come into your life like she’s always been there.  I’ve known her for less than three months, but damn, she knows more of my business  than people that have known me for years (and she gets me and all my lame-ass intellectual jokes!!!). And after this summer, it’s gonna be hard to maintain the friendship that we have built. And that makes me sad.

I’ve established relationships with so many of my co-workers.  My co-workers are the coolest.  These are people that I can call on when I have a problem or a question or I just need someone to bounce my ideas off of.  And after this summer, I won’t be able to just walk down and plop myself in their offices.

And downtown D-town is the best (especially today with temperatures in the 80’s and not the 100’s!) It’s like Mayberry crossed with Manhattan (I know it sounds weird but it is the best, seriously)

And my internship has had its moments.  I have experienced here. (I’m big on experiencing things) And I’ve had fun here. And I’m sad, because there have been a lot of days when I thought that I wanted to get the hell out.  And I do. But I don’t.

See, that’s the thing about change and me.  We have a bittersweet relationship.

I don’t like change but I do like to do different stuff. So today I try to figure out how to keep things the same and different at the same time.  Because I don’t really want to stay here but I don’t want to leave all my people behind.  (I’m still trying to convince L to quit and come home with me.)

I already ache for the people that I’m leaving here. And I already miss the places that I love here.

But change happens and I gotta  go.