2009 Predictions from NostraMonica

Check it: I looked into my crystal ball, and I saw that 2009 is going to be awesome (for all of us, but for me especially).

Last year, when I was myspace blogging, I made a big deal about the New Year and setting goals, not resolutions, and blah blah blah. Even this past fall, when the semester started, I took some time to set some goals. (Some of which I have done NOTHING about)

As I’m looking down the barrel to 2009, my brain starts ticking off stuff for the upcoming semester and the year. (Get a job, get my portfolio together, finish my thesis, prepare for a change, spend time with my friends and classmates, start my business, learn to swim, self-host this blog).

But my heart says, Oh, f*ck it. Can’t I just chill out and see what happens?

I’m not saying that goals suck and we shouldn’t make them (maybe I am???) What I mean is – If we really look deep within ourselves we know what the hell we need to do. Do we need to take the next step in our career? Step out on our own? Lose weight? Exercise? Eat healthily? Finally get our teeth cleaned?  Do we need to slow down? Spend more time with our loved ones? Concentrate on self-care? Get a life?

Whatever it is I (and you) need to do, WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!! Duh, it’s probably staring us in the face.

My problem, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, isn’t knowing WHAT I need to do. It’s the doing of it that trips me up.  I get scared or anxious or doubtful or LAZY and I cop out.

And that is unacceptable.

So I’m not going to make a never ending list of new goals or resolutions or whatever you want to call them.

I’m just going to make one.

Do the things I know in my heart I need to do.

No matter how scared I get or how crazy it seems or what other people think.  Some things I just KNOW I’m supposed to do.

So this year, I’m just going to f*cking do what my scattered little brain wants and I’m not going to over think it.

And as I write these words my brain says, but wait, you need to plan, you need to think, you NEED to worry…. and I feel the old self-doubt and anxiety pitter pattering through my chest.

SO I take a deep breath and acknowledge that this sh!t ain’t gonna be easy. But it is necessary. Didn’t Tupac say, “I don’t want it if it’s that easy”?

Otherwise, what would be the point? I believe that is would almost be stupid to add “Complete MPA school” or “Get a job” to my 2009 goals.

Why?

Because those things are not OPTIONAL. They are GOING to happen. It’s a wrap.

But I haven’t always followed my heart (or exercised, for that matter). So I’m going to concentrate to those things that I have let fall by the way side. (ahem, me!!!)

(Aside: I heard somewhere that it takes a month to form a habit. So if I resolve to do the things I know I should, by February I should be good. )

So yeah, the crystal ball said it was going to be a super awesome year.  Can’t you feel it!!!?!?!?!?

Hello! Obama is going to be inaugurated, and W is headed back to Texas. That alone is a major achievement.

And

Recessions are hotbeds for innovation, so even though the economy is sh!t we need this time renew ourselves (like when the forest burns down, then it regrows as a more diverse ecosystem)

And

We get another year to grow and live up to our full potential; proving that we can be better than our former selves.

Yay for us!

Happy New Year, party people!

Tell me what your 2009 goals/resolutions are AND what are you most looking forward to in the OH NINE.

 

Monicaliciousness and other thoughts on 27

On December 13, 1981 a star was born.

That was real dramatic wasn’t it?  But it’s true. On that date, around 7 pm, according to my mama, a new (or fairly new) person entered this world.  I say fairly new because I’m not convinced that reincarnation isn’t real. I mean, how else to you explain deja vu or how some things (and some people) almost immediately feel like home? It’s because we’ve been here before and we’ve been sent back here to get things right this time (or just do a better job, at least).

What does it mean, to get things right? To me, it means fulfilling a purpose.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my purpose this week, partially because most days don’t go by without me thinking about what the hell I’m supposed to be doing. But it has been more heavily on my mind this week. And I’m blaming my mother for this too. (Most things are her fault, anyway, right?)

She says to me (on my birthday), “You are special. You have always been special. You have a calling on your life. I don’t know if you are supposed to preach (her wish for me) or if you are supposed to help people in some other way, but your life has a purpose, you have a mission.”

After I picked my damn mouth up off the floor, I stuttered my agreed. Yes, I said, I’m supposed to help people, and I went on to ask, “And since you are prophesying-why don’t you just tell me HOW I’m supposed to help people, I know the WHAT (sort of) but I’m stuck on the HOW.”

Of course, she didn’t have that answer. And yes, my mother is, like, crazy ya-ya spiritual. I just go with it; there is NO WAY to explain it. So when she starts telling me a dream that she had about me (that mirrored something that actually happened in my life) or when she says I’m “called” to do something, I take that sh*t seriously. She’s just that connected to whatever higher power is pulling the strings (or she’s crazy).

Either way, She’s right. I’m here on purpose. My birth was no accident. I have something to do that no one else could do. Now, if someone could just TELL MY WHAT MY PURPOSE IS!!!!!!!

Well, I’ve decided that 27 is a good enough age to figure that sh*t out. And it’s time for me to embrace whatever the hell I’m supposed to be.

I’m excited about being 27. Isn’t 27 the BEST age? It’s not like 24 where you are still too young, in most cases, to be taken seriously, or like 35 when you are too old to “drop it like it’s hot” or some other thing that 30+ people don’t do.

But at 27 I’m old enough to prove that I’ve been around the block and I know what the hell I’m talking about, but I’m still young enough to get a tattoo without having folks roll their eyes.

So I’m excited about 2009 and I’m looking forward to all that I will accomplish during my 27^th year!

I’m going to go ahead, letting the Universe know that I’m expecting this year to be moniceriffic (or monicalicious, or monicawesome (either will do).

 

Happiness to Me BYODream

Tomorrow is December 5th! You know what that means?!?!?!? The last day of the 3rd semester of MPA school! YAY!

SO today, I’m going to introduce someone who is super special to me. The GF is gracing us with her presence and has composed the last in this series of guest posts. (Yay for me getting lots of work done!)

Eysqueen is one half of the creative chaos that exists at Cubicle Crusaders, and is a cube captive by day, superhero by night (her words, not mine, lol).

Enjoy!

-M-

PS: I’ll be writing again next week. I hope you’ve missed me!

For some of us do-gooders out there, we learned the hard and dirty way that the corporate America that was fed to us in childhood isn’t a one size fits all.  We tried it, we did it, we may have even succeeded at it, and then we got over it.  We learned that “money, power, and respect” makes a catchy lyric in a hook, they even taste good in our cereal, but nothing can satisfy that void we have within ourselves that seems to grow every year that we aren’t doing what we are meant to do.

My void started the day I checked the box that said “Computer Science” on my college application.  It was a little void, something the size of a period.  No biggie.  I managed to patch up the void by my second semester when I filled out the form to change my major to “Art/Visual Communications”.  Yeah I was on track after that, void filled, right?

Not so much, as I pimped myself into concentrating in graphic design.  The void grew by leaps and bounds as the pimping turned into manufactured pimping by companies using my talent for their commercialism.  Okay I started to step on my soapbox about corporate America killing the artist.  I’m not ready to stand that tall yet, so I’m stepping back down.

So anyway, I ran from graphic design as fast as Marion Jones without the enhancements (I still believe she was set up and is still one of the fastest women in track and field).

I floated around and found myself in places, doing things that I didn’t know I was good at nor had any previous desire to do. I accidentally found my purpose while flipping the bird to “the man” and corporate America.  I did something that wasn’t glamorous, that didn’t pay well and was all around thankless from the outside looking in.

I taught computer technology to children with behavioral problems.  Talk about a challenge!  But the challenge wasn’t them, it was me.  I’m known for not liking kids, I’m known for shying away from teaching, I’m also known for rising to the occasion and flexing my skills when slept on.  Basically I did it, and I liked it.

Happy ending, right? So I got my teaching license and am living the dream? That would be the easy way, my fellow readers, and easy doesn’t make for a good blog.  No, I got lured back into corporate/ government by the big bucks I had the potential to make by teaching adults computer technology, instead of children.

I was going to be a superstar technology trainer. I was going to have the super big office, and the newest toys.  I worked my way to the top, but I didn’t have the strength to reach far enough because of the void.  The void sucked up my muscle tone. I’m all fat and hot air now.  I stopped exercising my talents; I opted for the easy way, which was not the best way for me.

However, I’m still young, and I have a lifetime of mistakes and oopsies left in me.  I’ve been saving up while doing my time in my “safe” profession.  I’m so ready to make more mistakes and just live.  Being in the wrong field has helped me to concentrate on what is important to me, what I value, and what happiness looks like.

For me, happiness is not corporate America.  Happiness is being in the trenches shaping the mind of a future adult.  Happiness is flowing creatively, and painting and writing.  Just for me, not for a corporate dream.

Happiness for me is living life everyday and doing something that means something.

I am an artist and I reject the cube life.

I want to be my own boss and work with kids and be a counselor and be 4 other different things all in one lifetime.  And anyone who has a problem with it can swivel their ergonomic computer chair to one of the 3 walls in their cube and take a time out to think about how wack they are.

And anyone who applauds, I’ll see you at the coffee shop with the rest of the idea makers, first round of lattes on me!

 

Finding the strength to live transparently

The semester from hell continues. But it will be over on December 5th! Yay! If I can make it through this week, I promise myself that I will never to this overloading sh*t again.

In the meantime, a cool chick whose blog I love has blessed me with a guest post which is awesome since otherwise I would have had to take time away from my studies to keep some semblance of a normal posting schedule, and there is a huge possibility that anything I write in this state of mind is going to be crap, anyway.

Nisha is preventing you from reading my crap. Thank her.

-M-

Recently I saw a post on one of my favorite blogs which demonstrated an unheard of level of transparency — she wrote about her relationship, which prompted a series of comments including one from her mom, her boyfriend’s mom, and her boyfriend’s brother.

I had to think about that for a second. My parents don’t read my blog. When I had a boyfriend, he definitely never read my blog. Most of my close friends in college don’t read my blog.

Why? Because I haven’t told a single one of them about it.

I’m still paralyzed by the fear of what they would say if they saw it. They don’t get it. A blog, I can hear them say. They would think it was lame, and strange to have conversations with people I haven’t met in real life. But they’d still read anyways. And then I’d be forever paralyzed by the fact that now, so-and-so is reading so I can’t really write what I really think. That is exactly the reason I ended the last two blogs I had: because too many people I knew in real life were reading them.

So all that begs the question: why is it so much easier for us to share ourselves with complete strangers on the internet than with our own loved ones?

Maybe it’s the anonymity of the internet, and the availability of support. Blog readers are a self-selecting group, so it’s easy to find readers who like what you have to say, and easier to disregard the haters because, after all, they’re just names on a screen, hiding somewhere in cyberspace. They’re not your best friend or your mom.

We all live our lives in neat, separate little compartments: there’s work me, and school me, and online me, and relationship me, and family me. It takes courage to break up the compartments and live one transparent life. I doubt any normal person has that kind of courage naturally.

It means your employers could google you and see your personal blog. It means admitting when you’ve messed up, and sharing your flaws and deepest insecurities with the world. It means admitting your goals to the world too, and dealing with it when they hold you accountable. It means your ex might know all your thoughts about your breakup.

It means you can’t control what people are going to think of you, so you have to let go of it. It means take-me-or-leave-me, and leaving it up to people to decide. And then comes the scary part: you might be yourself, and they might leave you. They might mock you. And it might suck. Part of me worries about that everyday.

But lately I’ve been thinking: so what? Maybe we’re better off without those people. Has any successful person ever made it to where they are without losing a friend or two on the way up? Recently I watched a speech by Loren Feldman, where he discussed blogging: “When you put your heart, and your intellectual thoughts, and your emotions out there for people, you’re gonna get beat up for it, and for a number of reasons. The first reason is, most people don’t have the balls to just say what they feel and say what they mean. That’s very scary to a lot of people. Just the fact that you do have the wherewithal to express yourself….a lot of people are going to be intimidated just based on that fact.”

If you find yourself being one person online and on your blog, a different person with your college buddies, a different person with your parents, and another person with your work friends, are you asking yourself why? That’s the question I’ve been asking lately, and it’s yield surprising results. It’s made me start to realize: who cares? It takes baby steps, but it’s easier than I thought to care less and less what people think of you and start living transparently. It doesn’t happen overnight. It won’t be easy. It will sometimes be a struggle, especially for those of us who are accustomed to caring what everyone thinks. But transparency means finally being free to be you no matter what, it means you finally get to quit hiding and casting off the chains of what other people think- and it makes you a whole lot stronger. That is worth a little struggle.

Nisha Chittal is a writer, blogger, and political junkie. She will be graduating with a B.A. in political science in May 2009 from the University of Illinois and plans to pursue a career in Washington. She’s not sure what yet, but it will include her being in the nation’s capital!

Her blog is Confessions of a New Junkie.